Cafe Latte Slurpuccino

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Consider the Slurpuccino the closest thing Slurpologists at 7-Eleven could come up with that might be considered an adult Slurpee without adding alcohol. By its name you can figure out that this here Slurpee has a coffee flavor to it, much like the sweat that comes out of pores of Britney Spears’ cigarette and Starbucks-addicted body after jiggling her pudgy frame through a dance routine for “…Baby One More Time.”

I wish that 7-Eleven came up with this idea sooner, because I will admit, it seems a little weird for a 32-year-old quasi-product review blogger man to be walking out of a convenience store with a strawberry, banana, or Coke Slurpee in his hand. Sure it is even weirder because I suck on the straw a little too provocatively and because of that parents usually pull their children a little closer to them to protect them from the grown man who loves Slurpees — apparently a little too much. However, a coffee-flavored Slurpee would help with this awkwardness.

Unfortunately, the coffee flavor of the Slurpuccino was like Madonna’s British accent — it was extremely artificial. Just like actual coffee, there was a slight bitterness to it, but that bitterness was overcome by the excessive fake creme flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine might’ve made up for its flavor, but I couldn’t find anything about caffeine content on the Slurpee website.

You would think that a national convenience store chain that serves millions of gallons of coffee every year to truck drivers, office workers, college students, and people who did not want to wait in line at Starbucks and will settle for something less could make a pretty good coffee Slurpee, but it seems those years of coffee experience were not used well or at all.

Fortunately, it is a limited edition Slurpee that will be available only throughout February and March. This timeframe makes it a great Valentine’s Day gift for the one you want to break up with. Just buy one right before the break up and stick on it a card that says, “This Slurpuccino was very artificial, just like your personality. This Slurpee will quickly melt away, just like my love for you has.”

Item: Cafe Latte Slurpuccino
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It is cold. Being a Slurpologist. Not having to wait in line at Starbucks. Adult Slurpees. Adult diapers.
Cons: Extremely artificial latte flavor. Horrible fake cream flavor. Headache from brain freeze. Headache from caffeine withdrawals. Great tool to use to break up with someone. Madonna’s British accent. Britney Spears’ coffee-smelling bodily fluids. Sucking on a straw in a provocative manner.

REVIEW: Go Girl Glo Energy Drink

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Excuse me, women of the world. Come a little closer.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to come on to you and use any of my panty-dropping pick up lines. I just want to talk and have a stimulating conversation with you while we have a non-romantic candlelight dinner that starts off with oysters as an appetizer, some nice Merlot, mango glazed chicken for the main course, and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. All of them being aphrodisiacs is just a coincidence, and in no way, shape, or form have these choices been premeditated weeks in advance.

What I’d like to talk to you about are the things you women do that make you feel good about yourselves. You get facials, get a perm, drink frozen margaritas, wax body parts, watch Oprah, pluck eyebrows, drink Crystal Light, apply makeup (which you look beautiful without), and buy shoes with four inch heels. Those all are fine, especially the shoes with four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest, but I’m worried about this Go Girl Glo Energy Drink.

Why am I worried? Because this energy drink claims to promote healthy skin and if it truly does, women everywhere will be wrapping their lips around it and the 75 milligrams of caffeine and 500 milligrams of taurine per can could turn armies of women into armies of peppy Rachael Rays. One Rachael Ray is fine, two would be tolerable, but three or more are grounds for sedatives…or a cage match between them all.

To help promote healthy skin, Vitamin E and aloe vera powder were added, which bothers me because I don’t know if you’ve ever smelled the leaf of an aloe vera plant, but if you haven’t go do that right now, and after you gag a few times from one whiff of it, come back here. I’m not sure how either of these ingredients in such little amounts can help your skin, but if drinking a can of beer can make any woman look beautiful to me, then why not an energy drink with Vitamin E and aloe vera.

According to the can, the champagne-colored beverage is supposed to be a combination of pomegranate and star fruit, but it kind of tasted like plain yogurt. It’s not bad, but it’s not great and I prefer the flavor of the original Go Girl Energy Drink. Speaking of the original Go Girl Energy Drink, Glo also has the “Super Citrimax” herbal appetite suppressant, which I didn’t notice because I’m a glutton. I also didn’t notice a boost of energy, despite the caffeine and taurine in it, so maybe I shouldn’t have to worry about armies of Rachael Rays.

However, I did find something else that really does give me a boost of energy, suppresses my appetite, and helps with my complexion.

It’s called sleep and maybe you and I should get some together.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 9 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% Calcium, 6% Vitamin E, 25% Vitamin B6, 35% Vitamin B12, 6% Iron, 25% Riboflavin, 10% Folate, 500 milligrams of taurine, 508 milligrams of Super Citrimax, 10 milligrams of CoQ 10, 10 milligrams of aloe vera, 75 milligrams of caffeine, and 0 grams of glo.)

Item: Go Girl Glo Energy Drink
Price: $1.79 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Tastes like plain yogurt. Low calorie. Vitamins and minerals. Portion of proceeds donated to ovarian cancer research and awareness. Sleep. Shoes with four inch heels. My guaranteed-to-work pick up lines. Multiple Rachael Ray cage match. Four inch heels applying uncomfortable pressure on my chest.
Cons: I’m not sure if one can will make a difference with your skin. Caffeine and taurine didn’t give me an energy boost. Addition of aloe vera seemed weird. Three or more Rachael Rays.

Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars

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Paying six dollars for two Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars may seem like a lot of money, but it is one of the ways I can feel like a wealthy asshole.

Some rich pricks buy fast European cars, some purchase houses with hidden dungeons, and others acquire things that should never be gold-plated or diamond-encrusted, like toilets and MP3 players for dogs, but because I lack the funds to purchase a Lamborghini, the Neverland Valley Ranch, or a shiny, anatomically incorrect statue of myself, I’m stuck with bars of soap.

Each Bloq Body Bar is individually wrapped in a box for either your pleasure, convenience, or sanitation. If it is the latter, I totally understand because I hate when non-individually wrapped bars of soap get dirty.

If only there was a product out there that could help me clean those bars of soap. Something that lathers nicely. Something I could conveniently hold in my hands. Something that could easily be rinsed away with water. I don’t know what that product is, but since these bars of soap are individually wrapped, I don’t need to worry about them getting dirty.

Besides being much more expensive than most bars of soap, the Bloq Body Bars come in a non-conforming square shape, which measures 2.75 inches wide and deep and weighs in at 4.5 ounces. Soap bar purists might get upset about its even geometric shape, but I think they would enjoy its light, clean floral scent, which I think is one of the better smelling bars of soap I have ever rubbed across my soft, pudgy naked body.

According to the Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars box, the bars are vegetable based, 99 percent naturally derived, and contain exfoliating jojoba beads. Unfortunately, after looking at its ingredients I couldn’t find any vegetables.

No carrots. No celery. No lettuce. No cabbage. No broccoli. No Keith Richards passed out after a whiskey binge. However, I did find that it contains olea europaea (olive) fruit oil, camellia sinensis (green tea) leaf extract, vitis vinifera (grape) seed oil, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), and aloe barbadensis (aloe vera) leaf juice.

I’ve been using a bar of it every day for more than a month (without masturbation) and it’s still got some life left in it for many more rendezvous with my hairy naked body that makes babies cry, scientists claim they’ve found Bigfoot, and makes dogs want to hump my leg. But when the dogs do hump my leg, at least I’ll smell good thanks to this Bloq Body Bar.

Item: Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars
Price: $5.99 (2 bars)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice, light, and clean floral scent. 99 percent naturally derived. Lasts a while. A anatomically incorrect gold statue of myself. Feeling like a wealthy asshole.
Cons: Pricey for just two bars of soap. Being a wealthy asshole. Square bars may make soap bar purists upset. Being in the Neverland Valley Ranch dungeon. Keith Richards after a heroin binge. No vegetables.

Oh, It’s On At The Break of Dawn…Of February 9th

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Many of you sadistic bastards have been asking when I will get my chest waxed. I just want to let all of you know that the date and time has been set. The clearing of my fields will happen on Saturday, February 9th at 9:00 a.m. at the Heaven on Earth Spa. Taking of photos and video will hopefully be allowed in the room. I also hope crying and calling for my mommy are allowed, as well.

Thanks to TIB reader cian for setting my date with pain!

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