Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack

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(Editor’s Note: If you’re a fan of clowns, have many wonderful childhood memories with clowns, your mother or father was a clown, or you’re a clown, I’d suggest you skip this review. Why? Oh, there’s, um, no particular reason, but just skip it.)

Whether it be the creepy Ronald McDonald, eerie Bozo the Clown, disturbing Homey the Clown, frightening Pennywise, or the threatening Krusty the Clown, I believe all of them can be taken out with any of the flavors in the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

Now when I say “taken out,” I don’t mean it as “taking out the trash.” I mean “taken out” as in “I’m taking out that creepy clown, I’m going to make it wish it didn’t put on that red ball nose today. It’s gonna try to make me laugh? Well I’m gonna try to make it cry.”

Why do I want to get rid of clowns? That’s my business, not yours, but let me just say this, if it were up to me, Grimace would be the top spokesperson for McDonald’s. Besides, clowns don’t make me laugh, they make me cry, like shopping mall Santas and the words “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

The excessive makeup they wear doesn’t make clowns look fun, it makes them look evil and up to no good, like Tammy Faye Bakker and Rupaul. Just thinking about the makeup on those two give me the shivers. I think the only reason why someone would wear that much makeup is because they’re hiding something. In Tammy Faye’s instance, it was her ex-husband’s illegal activities. InRupaul’s case, it’s a penis.

Also, what’s up with those big shoes? Just like the Big Bad Wolf’s big mouth is better to eat Little Red Riding Hood with, a clown’s big shoes make it easier for them to stomp on my toes or kick me in the balls.

Clowns may have those big shoes and scary makeup, but I’ve got the five flavors from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack that each come in a hard glass bottle. There’s a flavor for almost every clown wig color. The Apple Pie Soda can put a world of hurt on those clowns with orangeish hair, the Banana Cream Pie Soda can beat down those clowns with yellow hair, the Blueberry Pie Soda can knock out those with blue hair, the Cherry Pie Soda can kick the crap out of the clowns with red hair, and the Key Lime Pie Soda can open a can of whoopass on clowns with green hair.

For those clowns that wear a rainbow-colored wig? Let’s just say, I feel sorry for them and they should wear a rainbow-colored helmet as well.

So how would I go about taking out clowns with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack? It’s easy. Just ask them if they want a pie in their face. They’re clowns, they love having pies thrown at their faces, because that’s their shtick. So when they’re ready for a pie in the face, I’ll give them a pie in the face — a pie-flavored soda from the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack.

The first flavor I tried was the Cherry Pie Soda. It had a sweet and slightly tart cherry flavor and I could also taste Jones Soda’s attempt to include the crust flavor along with it, all of which formed a pretty decent flavor. The red color of the Cherry Pie Soda also blends in well with the clown’s red ball nose — and the blood dripping from it after breaking the clown’s real nose.

The next flavor I tried was the Banana Cream Pie Soda, which I thought would turn out to be the best, but instead was my least favorite. It smelled banana-ish and it initially tasted banana-ish, but after that it tasted kind of buttery, which turned me off to it. However, if you like Jelly Belly buttered popcorn jellybeans, you’d probably like the buttery taste. The Banana Cream Soda itself may not be good taste-wise, but I imagine it would be good at smearing a clown’s makeup.

After taking the first swig from the Apple Pie Soda, I thought its flavor was very familiar and I tried to figure out what it tasted like. While I thought about that, I also tried to figure out how many clown orifices the neck of the Jones Soda bottle would fit into. The answer was five, but possibly seven, and I also realized that the Apple Pie Soda tasted very similar to the cinnamon-flavored Big Red gum.

The Blueberry Pie Soda was probably one my favorite flavors, along with the Cherry Pie Soda. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, you will know what this soda tastes like. If you’ve had blueberry yogurt, are a clown, and I get my hands on you, blueberry yogurt will never taste the same again and it will haunt your dreams.

I saved the final flavor, Key Lime Pie, for last because I’m not a big fan of this type of pie, but its slightly sour, citrus flavor was surprisingly good, and kind of reminded me of lime Jello. I believe the bottle for the Key Lime Pie Soda is also surprisingly good — as a deadly weapon when cracked against clowns.

Jones Soda also comes out with a yearly Holiday Pack which consists of horrible soda flavors like Turkey and Gravy and Corn on the Cob. Sure I could probably do the same damage to clowns with the Jones Soda Holiday Pack and its horrible taste would add insult to injury, but with the Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack it would just bring sweet, sweet injury to clowns and that’s good enough for me to make up for all the crying they made me do.

Item: Jones Soda 2006 Dessert Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given as a birthday gift from friend Erin
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Cherry Pie and Blueberry Pie Soda Flavors. Key Lime Pie Soda was surprisingly good. Wayyyy better than the horrible tasting Jones Soda Holiday Pack. Taking out clowns.
Cons: Clowns! Clowns! Clowns! Banana Cream Pie Soda had a buttery flavor. Use of High Fructose Corn Syrup. Excessive makeup.

REVIEW: Silk Soy Nog

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Silk Nog

During the holiday season I look forward to several things, like trying to get onto Santa’s naughty list, tricking women to kiss me under the mistletoe, wishing all the white people Happy Kwanzaa, and drinking egg nog, which I look forward to the most.

If I owned a dairy, I would not only piss off the ghost of French scientist Louis Pasteur by drinking milk straight from a cow’s udder, I would also make egg nog available throughout the year, because sometimes I crave it in July when the temperature rises and my body yearns for something cool, refreshing, and made out of something that comes out of a chicken’s butt.

Of course, the problem with having egg nog year round is the fact that real egg nog is as fattening as Rosie O’Donnell would be to an anaconda, which makes drinking egg nog year round good for Nicole Richie, but not good for everyone else.

Sure there’s light egg nog, but even that can make Ms. Richie look a little pudgy. So if she wants to keep her skeleton-like figure and enjoy the holidays with a little nog, she could always drink Silk Soy Nog.

The lactose-, dairy-, cholesterol-, gluten-, egg-, casein-, peanut-, and MSG-free Silk Soy Nog is good for the lactose-intolerant, vegans, PETA members, autistic people, and The Biggest Loser contestants. It also has no saturated fat and has 180 calories per one cup serving.

Being a regular Silk Soy Milk drinker (Very Vanilla and Chocolate flavors are the best…Double true!), I thought I would enjoy the Silk Soy Nog, much like I enjoy putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets, but at first, I didn’t like its taste, which kind of reminded me of the Silk Very Vanilla Soy Milk, except with a little spice and a little less nutty flavor. However, after drinking an entire quart-sized carton, the flavor began to grow on me.

So I guess it has an acquired taste, much like beer and emo rock.

The consistency of the Silk Soy Nog wasn’t thick like regular egg nog or light egg nog, but it was thicker than regular Silk Soy Milk. It also wasn’t as yellowish like regular egg nog. Instead it had a less festive grayish/yellowish color. Instead it had a light pastel yellow color.

(Editor’s Note: Maybe I should stop drinking this stuff straight from the carton. Anyway, after actually looking at it in a cup, it has a light pastel color. Sorry about that.)

If given the choice between regular egg nog and Silk Soy Nog, I would definitely choose the regular egg nog, because it’s more satisfying and much more flavorful. Although, because of its fat and cholesterol content, I wouldn’t be able to drink much of it, unless I enjoy the hardening of my arteries. The Silk Soy Nog was good, but I don’t think it’s something I would look forward to next holiday season.

But I do look forward to putting on my illuminating Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear next Christmas.

(Sidenote: I once drank an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes in high school. My digestive system was not happy about that and because of that experience, I DO NOT recommend drinking an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes. Although, it would kind of make a neat YouTube video or TIB review.)

Item: Silk Soy Nog
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes good, but may take getting used to. The word nog. No cholesterol. No saturated fat. Lactose-free. Putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets. Drinking egg nog.
Cons: If you don’t like soy milk, you’re not going to like this. Not having egg nog available all year long. Not as thick as regular egg nog. Drinking an entire carton of egg nog in less than five minutes.

REVIEW: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink

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I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to eat or drink something with an ingredient I have no idea about or can’t pronounce. That’s how it is for me with jahlapinos.

When I first purchased the Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink, I couldn’t drink it because of its blue agave flavor. I had no idea what an agave was and I didn’t know if it was pronounced a-gave, aga-ve, ag-ave, a-ga-ve, or ag-av-e.

To learn about agave, I looked it up at my source for knowledge and sexual positions, Wikipedia. When I got to the agave page, I attempted to read it and experience everything that is the agave, but their definition of agave was a-dull.

Here’s a sample of what was written about agave on Wikipedia:

Agaves are succulent plants of a large botanical genus of the same name, belonging to the family Agavaceae. Chiefly Mexican, they occur also in the southern and western United States and in central and tropical South America. The plants have a large rosette of thick fleshy leaves generally ending in a sharp point and with a spiny margin; the stout stem is usually short, the leaves apparently springing from the root.

Each rosette is monocarpic and grows slowly to flower only once. During flowering a tall stem or….ZZZZZZZZ.

As you can see, Wikipedia’s definition of the agave is pretty boring and can be used fight insomnia. It definitely doesn’t sound like something I would want in a kick ass energy drink. But I can easily change my perception of agave by changing my definition of it. So here’s my attempt to zazz up the agave and turn it into something worthy of an energy drink.

Agaves were once large flesh-eating plants, but evolved into the big leafy plants they are today. When they were flesh-eating plants, human sacrifices were made to them to help with the upcoming crop season and they were also used for entertainment by pitting two flesh-eating agave plants against each other. Agaves are considered an aphrodisiac and are grown with marijuana and coca plant crops in Mexico to attract insects to them instead of the more profitable illegal drug producing crops. Both of these uses are the reason why it’s been given the nickname, “Spanish Fly.”

Wars have been waged over its succulent fruit which was believed to grant the eater immortality, along with constipation. It is also believed agaves were one of the reasons for the downfalls of the Aztec Empire and Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s marriage. Its flowers, which take a long time to bloom, have been the inspiration for many classic rock songs, including Guns ‘N Roses “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and The Beatles “Yellow Submarine.”.

Oh dude, after reading my definition of agave, it totally ROCKS!!!

Now that I know more about agave and its history as a flesh-eating plant and classic rock song inspirer, I can finally try it.

Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink is syrupy and has a nice sweet berry flavor. It’s syrupiness kind of reminds me of the Monster Energy Drink. Actually, if Monster did make blue-colored flavor, it would probably taste like this.

I’m not too sure how much caffeine it has, but it’s got 57 grams of carbs, 1,194 milligrams of taurine, 177 milligrams of ginseng, 28 milligrams of carnitine, 1.3 milligrams guarana extract, and some B vitamins to give you energy. Despite all of that, plus whatever amount of caffeine it has, it didn’t seem to give me much of an energy kick, which disappointed me.

Too bad the agave can’t give me a boost of energy, since it seems to be able to do everything else.

Item: Full Throttle Blue Demon Energy Drink
Price: $1.89 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet berry flavor. Comes in 16-ounce can. It’s blue color. My definition of agave. The agave’s ability to inspire classic rock songs. Wikipedia.
Cons: Doesn’t have much of an energy kick. The boring Wikipedia definition of agave. Don’t know how to pronounce agave. Don’t know how to pronounce jahlapino.

2006 Holiday Fast Food Prize Drawing!!!

/ / General, Prize Drawing / 186 Comments

Giving and receiving is plentiful this time of year and is what makes this season fun, except when it comes to illegal campaign contributions, sexually transmitted diseases, and David Hasselhoff albums. The Impulsive Buy is in the mood of giving, so it’s time to hold another prize drawing.

TEN lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a gift card from one of the fast food establishments I’ve reviewed products from over the years, like McDonald’s, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Jamba Juice, Wendy’s, Subway, and Quiznos.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with “Happy (insert favorite holiday here)!” (for example: Happy Kwanzaa!) and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, December 24, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States since the cards are valid only in the US. To TIB’s international readers, I’m sorry.

The winners will be determined by attaching the email of each entry to a golden McDonald’s french fry. All the entries will be placed into the bag that the McDonald’s french fries came in. The contents of the bag will be shaken. Then the first ten entries I pull from the bag will be the winners of the gift cards. The rest of the fries will either be eaten by me, eaten by birds, or given to the crazy homeless guy who yells at everything.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about dlkfjlasjoeroafd. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you a variety of mail order catalogs. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, you receiving a lump of coal, or Santa getting stuck in a chimney.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

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Kellogg's Eggo Lego Homestyle Waffles

I’m no civil engineer or architect, but after playing around with these Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles, I can safely say that it’s probably the worst building material EVER.

If you look at the picture below, each waffle can break down into six pieces of Lego. The top of each piece looks like any old Lego piece with eight protruding studs. However, the bottom only has three holes to accommodate those studs, which means there aren’t enough holes for each of those studs. Every stud needs to stick itself into a hole or else it’s not going to be fun.

Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles

I don’t know why there are only three holes, because it’s impossible to stick two studs in one hole. Even if I could stick two studs into one hole, since there are only three holes, two studs aren’t going get a hole. Do they expect us to stick three studs into one hole? Now that’s just insane and could lead to some possibly tearing.

It’s also hard to erect anything if the pieces aren’t hard. As you can also see in the picture, I had a huge erect structure that stood tall as long as the pieces were rock hard, but over time they started getting soft and everything just flopped down to the ground, which is totally frustrating for everyone. The only two ways to keep things hard for a little while is to either freeze or toast really well each piece, but either way, pieces will get soft eventually.

The shape of each waffle also doesn’t make it ideal for syrup. As we all know, normal waffles have deep grooves which can hold syrup, but the Lego Eggo Waffles have a shape that does the opposite. Sure you could flip the Lego Eggo Waffles over and shoot some syrup into those tight holes, but again, there aren’t enough holes to prevent the syrup from rolling off the waffle.

Thankfully, at least it tastes like a normal Eggo Waffle, but still, it does a horrible job of being a syrup sucking waffle and a Lego piece.

Although there are some advantages to using Lego Eggo Waffles as building material and I wrote a short song/poem about one particular advantage.

If walls were made out of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you.
No wall or fence could keep me away, I’d be your Romeo or your boo.
I would nibble away at your wall to make a hole to watch sleep my dear.
I would eat a little more of your wall to pretend I was nibbling on your ear.
The Lego Eggo Waffles are so light, I can lift them up with little power.
So when you’re in your bathroom, I can watch you when you shower.
After you’re done in the shower, I can grab your hair collected on the floor.
I’ll sniff them like I do with the underwear I stole that you already wore.
When you’re not at home, I’ll eat my way through a Lego Eggo wall.
Then try on your sexy black dress, but on me it’s way too small.
I’ll search through your trash to find something that catches my eye.
There’s a tube of lipstick and a used toothbrush I can add to my shrine.
Sure one day I’ll get caught and be sent to a maximum security facility.
But it’s also made of Lego Eggo Waffles, so soon again I’ll be stalking thee.

Item: Kellogg’s Lego Eggo Waffles
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Eggo Waffles. If walls were made of Lego Eggo Waffles, it would be easier to stalk you. If you don’t use the holes and studs, you can build a structure.
Cons: Worst building material EVER. Not enough holes for all the studs. Need rock hard pieces to erect something. Stalking is bad.

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