Organic Batter Blaster

/ / Reviews / 30 Comments

Depending on who you talk to, I imagine the Organic Batter Blaster instant pancake batter in a can is either awesome or horrible. Food snobs, or foobies as I like to call them, may think that the Batter Blaster is the beginning of the end of home cooked meals, others might think that it could possibly be the greatest breakfast invention ever, and finally there’s a group of teenagers out there who think it’s “the shizzy” because they believe they can get high by huffing the gas from the Batter Blaster can, which would give them another option beyond canned whipped cream, spray paint, or the sweat stained undershirt of an opium farmer.

My opinion lies somewhere near the belief that is it possibly the greatest breakfast invention ever, because I am one lazy mutha’ucka. Some of you might tell me that making my own pancake mix isn’t time consuming, but it takes me less than 30 seconds to pull the Batter Blaster can out of the refrigerator, shake it well, pop off the cap, and spray it onto a well-heated skillet. Just gathering the ingredients for the pancake mix alone would take more than 30 ticks off the clock.

(Editor’s Note: You can also make waffles with the Batter Blaster, but I do not own a waffle iron, but I do own a hair iron. Please do not ask why.)

The USDA Organic certified Batter Blaster is also a time saver in the clean up department since there’s no need to wash bowls, spoons, measuring cups, and my “Good Looking is Cooking” apron. I don’t have time for mixing and measuring, because I’ve got RSS feeds to read, episodes of MythBusters to watch, and naps to take.

Of course, the convenience of Batter Blaster would be moot if it didn’t make decent pancakes, and fortunately for lazy folks, it does make some surprisingly good flapjacks. Every pancake I made turned out soft, fluffy and tasty. If I took a blind taste test with butter and syrup smothered all over them, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell they came from a can, because butter and syrup have the gift of distraction.

According to the label, each can of Batter Blaster makes approximately 28 pancakes, four inches in diameter. I was able to produce about 24 pancakes with one can, but more importantly I didn’t have to make an entire batch like I would if I made my own pancake mix. With the Batter Blaster, I could make one or two at a time, instead of constructing a tall starchy tower of pancakes that would force me to either eat all of them in one sitting (not recommended) or freeze them (recommended), although turning them into starchy Frisbees would leave me less freezer space for convenient microwaveable frozen foods.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/4 cup – 112 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 10 milligrams cholesterol, 95 milligrams sodium, 23 grams carbohydrates, 2 grams dietary fiber, 7 grams sugar, 3 grams protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Calcium, 0% Vitamin C, 6% Iron, and about 10 Batter Blaster Bikinis)

Item: Batter Blaster
Price: $9.99 (3-pack)
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Possibly the greatest breakfast invention ever. Surprisingly makes soft, fluffy, and tasty pancakes. Quick and easy to make. USDA Organic. No CFC in the can. No mixing needed. Easy clean up. My “Good Looking is Cooking” apron. Mythbusters. Butter and syrup make everything better.
Cons: Hard to find here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Huffing. Foobies probably think it’s the worst thing in the world.

Taco Bell Melts (Fajita Steak & Jalapeno Chicken)

/ / Reviews / 23 Comments

If there’s one thing Taco Bell is exceptional at it’s coming up with unimaginative products that seem like they were created by blindly taking ingredients from their other menu items, flinging it against a wall and whatever sticks is their new product. Other fast food joints would call that a gift, I call that a pain in the ass for the person who has to clean it up. The Jalapeno Chicken Melt and the Fajita Steak Melt are the two newest culinary clusterfucks from Taco Bell.

The Jalapeno Chicken Melt consisted of rice, two types of cheese, tender grilled chicken, pickled jalapenos, and a sauce that was like a spicy barbeque in between a soft flour tortilla. The jalapeno obviously added heat, but just like trying to have a two-way conversation with Tyra Banks, it overwhelmed everything else and was just annoying. In every single bite there was a jalapeno, which is good for those who enjoy heat, which I do, but it really killed the overall flavor. I could only eat two-thirds of it and didn’t feel like devouring the whole thing, but then I looked at the uneaten piece, thought about the skinny, starving models on America’s Next Top Model, then wondered to myself, “I bet their brains are about this small,” and threw the rest away.

Compared with the Jalapeno Chicken Melt, the Fajita Steak Melt was like music from Sugar Ray — pussy mild. It had the typical ingredients found with most fajitas: steak, onions, red & green peppers, and two types of cheese in a soft flour tortilla. I also think there was a sauce because some kind of liquid kept oozing out of it while I tried to eat it. In this “dish,” and I use that term lightly, the steak was tender and the veggies had a slight crunch despite being pretty limp, but the overall flavor of the Fajita Steak Melt can be described in three words: blah, bland, boring.

Perhaps the most disappointing thing about these Taco Bell Melts is that they aren’t as cheesy as their commercials claim, which show cheese being stretched from the melt into the mouths of people who were paid stick it in their mouths, but neither Taco Bell Melt I ate came close to what was in the commercial. Overall, each melt was decently sized and was like a fiesta in my mouth, if that fiesta had no people, an already cracked pinata without any candy on the ground, empty bottles of tequila, and coolers filled with warm Corona Beer without a lime for miles.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 melt – Fajita Steak Melt – 460 calories, 22 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1310 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein. Jalapeno Chicken Melt – 520 calories, 22 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 1810 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 29 grams of protein)

Item: Taco Bell Melts (Fajita Steak & Jalapeno Chicken)
Price: $3.29 each
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Fajita Steak)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Jalapeno Chicken)
Pros: Decent sized. Chicken and steak were tender. Available for a limited time. The ease of developing future menu items at Taco Bell.
Cons: Not as cheesy as its commercial claims to be. The jalapeno in the Jalapeno Chicken Melt overwhelmed all the other flavors. The Steak Fajita Melt was pretty bland. Trans fat. A fiesta without any people. Trying to have a two-way conversation with Tyra Banks.

Fizzy Lizzy Brings the Izzy

/ / General / 13 Comments

The founder of Fizzy Lizzy, whose name is Liz (go figure) sent me an email after reading TIB’s review of the Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy. Of course, a lot of the information I gave about the artwork on the Fizzy Lizzy bottle were uneducated guesses and probably inaccurate, because I am an ignorant moron. Liz got a kick out of the review, but she also wanted me to know the truth about the logo. So I thought I’d share what she told me.

According to Liz, the woman in the logo is supposed to be her, although she admits that her hair is not as well-behaved. She also said that in the logo she’s holding a sprig of leaves behind her back and not farting them, like I originally thought. Liz did say that Fizzy Lizzy doesn’t make someone fart, but does make one burp.

Well, that clears things up for me. Thanks to Liz for taking the time to fill me in on the Fizzy Lizzy logo. I learned something new today and I hope you did too.

Winners of Weird Japanese Soda Announced!!!

/ / Prize Drawing / 5 Comments

I’m going to announce the winners of the recent prize drawing we held here at TIB for the Pepsi Blue Hawaii. Right off the bat, I have to say that almost all of you didn’t win, but do not fret because we will be holding a new prize drawing really soon. What are the prizes? A date with me at a fine Italian restaurant? Eating microwaveable dinners with Ace? A sculpture made out of chewing gum? You’ll just have to keep an eye out for the announcement.

Now on to the winners of the weird Japanese soda.

Winners were chosen using an online random number generator because that’s how we do it in the 21st Century. Picking things out of a hat is yo’ mamma’s way. Here are the two lucky winners of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii:

Comment #32 – Aimee
Comment #71 – Reprobate

Each winner will receive a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

REVIEW: Spearmint Pure Mints

/ / Reviews / 18 Comments

I never thought a company would make a product specifically for vain douchebags, but the Spearmint Pure Mints with its included mirror under the lid seems like it’s perfect for those who like fresh breath and enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror while admiring their perceived awesomeness.

(Editor’s Note: These Pure Mints are not related in anyway with Meltzer’s Puremints.)

If you drive a Porsche convertible with the license plate that says MYRIDE, you are a douchebag and these mints might be perfect for you. If you go around in the middle of the night and blast rap music from your tricked out 1985 Toyota Tercel hatchback from some shitty rapper who only raps about how awesome he is, you are a douchebag and these mints might be meant for you. If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.

There really isn’t anything special about the Spearmint Pure Mints themselves. Each mint is quite small, which is something I don’t like because I feel that I need to take more than one to freshen my breath. To give you an idea of how small they are, it would take three or four of them to equal the mass of one curiously-strong Altoid. I also didn’t like how minty they were. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a slap to the face and 1 being a tickling of my beard, these mints were a 5.

The only thing the Spearmint Pure Mints have going for themselves is the mirror under the mint tin’s lid. Unfortunately, the mirror is small, so if you’re a really big douchebag, you won’t be able to see much in it since your ego is probably taking most of the space. Even at arms length, I couldn’t see my entire face. It’s so ineffective that it probably won’t do you any good if you’re doing something practical like trying to put on makeup or signaling someone using Morse code. I think the mirror is only good for looking to see if you have something in between your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose.

Besides douchebags, I’m not sure if the Spearmint Pure Mints would be appropriate for others. The one thing I know for sure is that if you’re a douchebag wanting to cover the stank of douchebagness, these mints won’t do it, because a douchebag with fresh breath is still a douchebag.

Item: Spearmint Pure Mints
Price: $1.48
Size: 0.28 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: There’s a mutha fuckin’ mirror inside. Mints were average. Sugar-free.
Cons: Mints are small. Mirror is really small for big douchebags. Not curiously-strong. Meant for douchebags. Douchebag vanity license plates. Douchebag rap lyrics.

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