Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette

/ / Reviews / 12 Comments

The Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette spray bottle takes me back to my youth. Back then, I had to find ways to entertain myself because I eventually got tired of my toys. Lego got boring after I made a F-15 fighter out of it. Playing with my Star Wars figures became old after it turned out Luke and Leia were siblings, which totally ruined the love triangle I created with them and Darth Vader. G.I. Joe got lame when Cobra Commander changed to that lame cloth hood, which replaced his helmet with the shiny face shield. Finally, I put down my Barbie dolls after I found out they were not anatomically correct and because boys were not supposed to play with them.

After losing interest in most of my toys, I turned my attention towards spraying. I don’t know what it was about spraying that interested me. Perhaps it was the continuous hissing sound or the fine liquid mist, but whatever it was, I was hooked. It started harmlessly with a little Spray and Wash to get rid of the “ring around the collar,” a little Pam non-stick spray, and Raid bug killer, but then I moved on to spray paints and hair spray. I eventually became a graffiti artist/pyromaniac, but it turned out that I had no artistic skill, so I just became a pyromaniac with a pack of matches and a salon-sized can of Aqua Net hair spray. It was exciting burning bugs and melting my G.I. Joe figures, but something called the “ozone layer” eventually ruined my fun.

(Editor’s note: The Impulsive Buy does not condone the use of hairspray and matches to create an awesome blowtorch. It is a stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do. Doing so may cause harm not only to yourself but to others as well.)

So that’s why I weep as I spray the Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette on my salad with its lame pump spray, instead of a CFC-spewing, rock-and-roll aerosol spray that would blow the leafy greens away. WOOOO!!! Actually, the spray from the Lite Accents bottle was more like a stream, which made it hard to evenly coat a salad. According to the front of the bottle, each spray is one calorie, but according to the nutrition facts, 10 sprays equals 15 calories, so it’s actually 1.5 calories per spray, which means my mathematic abilities are still at a sixth grade level. The bottle also states that it can dress more than 25 salads, which is approximately the number of salads I’ve had in the past five years.

The dressing was watery, since physics probably makes it hard for something creamy to come out of a tiny spray nozzle. It had a slightly sweet, tangy flavor to it that I didn’t enjoy when I sprayed it directly into my mouth, but enjoyed when I sprayed it on a salad. It maybe a low-calorie, low-fat salad dressing, but it doesn’t taste as “healthy” as pourable low-calorie, low-fat salad dressings. The bottle also recommends using it on steak, chicken, or fish, which is good because I really don’t know when I’m going to eat my next salad.

(Nutrition Facts – 10 sprays – 15 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 1 pointer finger workout.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time TIB reader Brie for kind of recommending this product. Actually, she wanted us to review the Wish Bone Salad Spritzers, another salad dressing spray, but we ended up reviewing these because they were on sale.)

Item: Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 7 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent slightly sweet, tangy flavor. Low calorie. Low fat. Can use on steak, chicken or fish. Homemade blowtorches. Cobra Commander with the helmet and shiny face shield.
Cons: Pricey for salad dressing. Watery. Not really a spray, more like a stream. CFCs. My artistic abilities. My need for more salads in my diet.

Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl

/ / Reviews / 36 Comments

The new Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl looks like it got hit repeatedly with an ugly stick, followed by a magic spell from the wand of the ugly fairy, and then given an ulgy gift by Ugly Claus. But it also is the perfect storm of breakfast, with its waves of scrambled eggs, flood of white cheddar cheese sauce, downpour of shredded cheddar cheese, hail of sausage balls, torrent of bacon pieces, and the thunder of golden hash brown sticks. It may look like something that comes out of you rather than something that goes in you, but the Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is one tasty mofo…as long as you close your eyes while eating it.

The combination the Jack in the Box cuisine creators constructed with their Hearty Breakfast Bowl is just about perfect. Nothing overpowers each other, although I have to admit I didn’t know it had bacon until I read that it had hours later. The cheese was nicely melted, the hash brown sticks were slightly crunchy, and the eggs were mostly fluffy. The use of small balls of sausage, bacon pieces, and long hash brown sticks helped ensure you can taste almost all of the ingredients with every bite. With all of those flavors combined it’s like I had an inexpensive Las Vegas breakfast buffet in my mouth, except without the old people holding up the line.

The somewhat small size of the bowl the Hearty Breakfast Bowl comes in, which is about five inches in diameter and 1.75 inches deep, makes it seem like it is not so hearty, but one bowl satisfied my manly, hair-chested hunger and probably raised my blood pressure and cholesterol to levels my future cardiologist would say they shouldn’t be at. I guess the Hearty Breakfast Bowl is appropriately named for something that does that to my heart. The plastic bowl also seemed to be reusable, since it states that it is microwave safe and dishwasher safe, which is good because the plastic it’s made out of is difficult to recycle (#5).

The Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is the breakfast I wish I could make in the morning, if I had the time, ingredients, and the kitchen full of people I could demand to make it for me. Thankfully, every Jack in the Box has all of those things and they also can make it during anytime of the day, since they serve breakfast around the clock, although it will probably be just as ugly as the one above. It’s a good thing I have paper bags to cover it while I have at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 780 calories, 60 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 445 milligrams of cholesterol, 1350 milligrams of sodium, 430 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 26 grams of protein, and thanks to Ryan.)

(Editor’s Note: I originally gave this an 8 out of 10, but I didn’t know the nutrition facts, until reader Ryan pointed them out. After I found out that it has 7 grams of trans fat, I decided to knock down the score to 7 out of 10, because having 7 grams of trans fat just isn’t right.)

Item: Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl
Price: $3.89 ($2.99 most other places)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It’sa damn good. The breakfast I wish I could make in the morning. Flavors don’t overpower each other. Use of sausage balls, bit of bacon and hash brown sticks helps ensure all the ingredients are covered in every bite. Available 24 hours a day. Container is reusable, microwave safe, and dishwasher safe.
Cons: A very unhealthy 7 grams of trans fat. Looks like it got hit with an ugly stick again and again. It’s probably bad for you. Bowl may seem small to some. Didn’t notice the bacon. Container’s plastic is hard to recycle (#5).

Happy Fourth Birthday!!! + PRIZE DRAWING

/ / General, Prize Drawing / 284 Comments

Dear TIB,

Today, you turned four years old. Pretty soon you won’t be wetting your bed on a regular basis, your teeth will start falling out, and I’ll take you out for trick-or-treating, dressing you up in a ridiculous costume for Halloween that you’ll be embarrassed about when you’re significantly older. I’ll probably turn you into Yoda, a koala, or put you in a mini Hot Dog on a Stick uniform. Thankfully, you’re not big enough to kick my ass, because I would if our roles were reversed.

You’ve grown well over the past four years, but I wish I could say the same for myself. Raising you has been a rewarding, but demanding process that I wish didn’t involve so much consumption of fast food and energy drinks. However, it’s what you want and as your guardian I need to provide it to you because if I don’t, you’re going to whine as loud as an air raid siren. But I just want you to remember that you can’t get everything in life by just whining, because eventually the only thing that your whining will get you is a hard spank on your rear end.

So what does the future hold? Well I’m hoping to give you a brother or a sister to play with, but I’m not sure when that’s going to happen. Dealing with two of you would be a big responsibility and I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet, but when I do decide I’ll let you know.

We’re going to celebrate your birthday the same way we’ve celebrated your past birthdays by holding a prize drawing. For your fourth birthday, we’re going to give away four (4) mystery boxes, filled with items that we’ve reviewed over the past four years. The contents of each mystery box will be different.

To enter the drawing, TIB readers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” and whatever else they would like to say. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Saturday, August 9, 2008 and stop accepting entries on Saturday, August 16, 2008 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE (Thank goodness for USPS Flat Rate boxes).

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be lame.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting a free iPhone. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can apply for a Disney credit card with your favorite character on it. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the results of the upcoming US presidential election, or your iPhone freezing.

Anyhoo, TIB, you’re the best thing that’s happened in my life…okay, I’m lying about that, but you’re probably in the top 5…okay, definitely in the top 10.

Love,
Papa

SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)

/ / Reviews / 17 Comments

SoBe Life Water’s three years of existence has been much like an Elton John concert — full of flamboyant colors and lots of costume changes. The image you see above is the third packaging for the SoBe Life Water, after their first one was too similar to Vitamin Water’s and their second was distracting, like a drag queen’s make up. It was also hard to read, and when I say “hard to read,” I really mean lame. So while stores everywhere get rid of the old bottles, SoBe’s new flavors — Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant — come in bottles with simple labels that won’t get it confused with Vitamin Water or rolled eyes from graphic designers.

What’s also different with these new flavors is the use of exotic fruits with funny names that sound like they were made up. If it weren’t for Wikipedia, I wouldn’t believe these fruits exist. Because Yuzu sounds like the name of a female ninja who protects a young princess from evil forces who want to take over the kingdom she is heir to in some Japanese anime. Goji seems like the name of Yuzu’s clumsy male sidekick who adds a bit of comic relief to the anime and always gets into trouble, which Yuzu has to bail him out of. Finally, Agave sounds like it’s the supernatural power that gives Yuzu her special abilities and the only way to activate it is through a quick chant in an ancient alien language.

My favorite of the three flavors was the extremely drinkable Goji Melon, which if I could buy it in a Costco-sized ten-gallon drum, I would risk a hernia to pick it up and make room for it in my refrigerator. It had a sweet, slightly flowery smell and it tasted like the Japanese berry candy that used to get me fat when I was growing up. The Goji Melon also contains the herbal ingredients, Red Clover and Hibiscus. Red Clover has been used to treat the symptoms of menopause and helps with coughs, mouth ulcers, and sore throats.

So if you’re a 50-year-old female prostitute, I would suggest drinking this.

The Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade, a popular beverage you can get at any apostrophed, sit-down restaurant chain, like Chili’s, Applebee’s, or TGI Friday’s. It’s not even close to being as tart as an actual strawberry lemonade, but it’s just as refreshing. This flavor also contains energy drink ingredient staple Taurine and Yerba Mate.

My least favorite of the three was the Yuzu Black Currant, which tasted somewhat like raspberries. It’s my least favorite because when it got a little warm it smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly covered in raspberry jam. The Yuzu Black Currant Life Water also consists of antioxidant-filled Acai and Juniper, which has been used as an herbal remedy for urinary tract infections and as a female contraceptive by Native Americans.

So if you’re a female prostitute younger than 45 years old, I would suggest drinking this.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle (may vary with flavor) – 100 calories, 0 grams fat, 55 milligrams sodium, 41-42 grams sodium, 23-24 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 250% Vitamin C, 50% Vitamin E, 25% Niacin, 25% Vitamin B6, 25% Vitamin B12, 25% Pantothenic Acid, and 10 grams of Naomi Campbell’s anger.)

Item: SoBe Life Water (Goji Melon, Agave Lemonade, Yuzu Black Currant)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Goji Melon)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Agave Lemonade)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Yuzu Black Currant)
Pros: Goji Melon was damn good. Agave Lemonade reminded me of strawberry lemonade. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Good source of Vitamin C. Goji Melon and Yuzu Black Currant are good for 50-year-old prostitutes.
Cons: Yuzu Black Currant smelled and tasted like a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly when warm. Fruit names are weird. Labels don’t explain what they do, like Vitamin Water. The number of apostrophed restaurant chains. The previous packaging for SoBe Life Water. The name SoBe is lame.

REVIEW: Green Tea (Matcha) Kit Kat (Japan)

/ / Reviews / 20 Comments

Is there anything the Japanese won’t use as a flavor for their Kit Kats? Holy cow! And just to let you know, I didn’t type “holy cow” as an exclamation, I typed that because it is probably the next Japanese Kit Kat flavor. Mmm…Beef Kit Kat. You think I’m kidding? This is the country that sells used schoolgirl panties in VENDING MACHINES! If they’re capable of that, then they’re also capable of making a carcass-flavored Kit Kat that you can break apart and share with your friends so they can gag along with you and hold back your hair if you throw up.

I could list all the Japanese Kit Kat flavors that ever existed, but that would be as exciting as watching C-SPAN tally the congressional votes for an amendment to agree to making an amendment to an amendment, but to give you an idea of how low they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel, there’s a soy sauce Kit Kat. Of course, Nestle Japan has also produced normal-sounding flavors, like banana and caramel, but usually it’s quirky shit, like this Green Tea (Matcha) Kit Kat.

The Green Tea Kit Kat comes in a color that looks like it’s been hit with a ton of gamma rays, because it’s Incredible Hulk green. Depending on whether or not you’ve had green tea or green tea flavored products before, the Green Tea Kit Kat can either be 2003-Hulk-movie-mediocre or 2008-The-Incredible-Hulk-movie-good. If you’ve never had green tea, this Kit Kat’s slightly bitter, but mostly sweet taste might be a little off-putting.

It basically consisted of white chocolate with green tea flavoring and it tastes similar to green tea ice cream. What’s on the outside and its flavor may seem unusual to most, but the wafers inside were crispy like any other Kit Kat. I personally really enjoyed the Green Tea Kit Kat and I’m hoping to get my hands on more, so it looks like I’ll be asking for partial payment in Green Tea Kit Kats whenever I offer my body company to lonely, middle-aged female Japanese tourists in Waikiki.

(Editor’s Note: Cybele at the Candy Blog reviewed these a few years ago back when fo’ shizzle was actually hip to say.)

Item: Green Tea (Matcha) Kit Kat
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Someplace in Japan
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very enjoyable. Green tea flavor reminds me of green tea ice cream. Crispy wafers. Possibly getting paid in Green Tea Kit Kats. 2008 The Incredible Hulk movie.
Cons: If you don’t like green tea, you won’t like these. Slightly bitter taste maybe off-putting. Hard to find, unless you’re in Japan or have a kick ass Japanese market in your town. Watching C-SPAN vote tallies. 2003 Hulk movie.

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