REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)

/ / Reviews / 21 Comments

With a name like Ritz, shouldn’t Ritz Crackers be fancier than they truly are?

Maybe they’re extremely high-class, but I have yet to see a monocle or top hat-wearing old man eating them and getting crumbs stuck in his white beard while discussing the African safari he went on to hunt the ultimate game — humans. Although I have to admit I’ve never been invited to galas that have The Most Interesting Man in the World who only drinks Dos Equis on the guest list or parties that don’t use red plastic cups to hold beverages.

If Ritz Crackers are fancy, Nabisco is attempting to make them a little more ritzier with their Ritz Crackerfuls, which come in two flavors: Four Cheese and Classic Cheddar. They’re basically elegant Ritz Cracker sandwiches with classy canned spray cheese in the middle. According to its box, each individually wrapped cracker sandwich is made with real cheese and five grams of whole grain.

The Ritz Crackers that Chinese fingercuff the cheese filling had that familiar buttery Ritz taste. The Four Cheese one had the sharper flavor of the two and on my ritzy scale of 1-10, with 10 being fine diamonds and 1 being shards of a broken glass window, the Four Cheese Crackerfuls was probably a 5 rating or a plastic silver ring with a clear plastic gem won from accumulating 25 prize tickets at an arcade. As for the Classic Cheddar, it tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack and on my ritzy scale it was a 4 rating or a plastic neon colored ring with a clear plastic gem that comes delivered in a plastic egg from a 25 cent machine outside of a grocery store.

While I felt both weren’t very fancy, I also thought they weren’t bad. The combination of the buttery Ritz crackers and the soft cheese paste was pleasant, but I think one would get more flavor by purchasing some fancy cheese that doesn’t come in individually wrapped slices and putting it on top of a Ritz cracker. Although I believe that would degrade the cheese.

Something I really didn’t enjoy about the Crackerfuls was the long Ritz Cracker, which was extremely fragile. Because they were even more delicate than normal round Ritz Crackers, I was forced to use a plate since I lack the white beard to catch the crumbs.

Another thing I didn’t like about the Ritz Crackerfuls was its name. Now I don’t have an English degree…

Oh wait. I do.

So it’s all right for me to say I found its name to be confusing because it’s not filled with crackers, it’s filled with cheese. So shouldn’t it be named Cheesefuls?

Now if two layers of cheese were Chinese fingercuffing a Ritz Cracker then it would be Crackerfuls. But it still wouldn’t be very fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Classic Cheddar – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron. Four Cheese – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)
Price: $3.18 each
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Classic Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Four Cheese)
Pros: Pleasant tasting. Buttery Ritz Crackers. Four Cheese flavor had a nice sharp flavor. Simply Cheddar tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack, which I do enjoy. Contains mono- and poly unsaturated fats. Hunting humans.
Cons: Cheese looked like something that came out of a can. Long Ritz Crackers were extremely fragile. Crumbs. Would be tastier to buy Ritz Crackers and put your own cheese on it. Not very ritzy. Name doesn’t seem right. Being hunted by humans.

REVIEW: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies

/ / Reviews / 27 Comments

These new One A Day VitaCraves Gummies come in fruit shapes, but I prefer my gummy multivitamins to come in bear form, so that I can tear them apart limb by limb and say, “That’s what you get for stealing my pic-a-nic basket” or “That’s what you get for scaring me and making me cry with your audio-animatronic versions when I watched the Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland in 1984.”

On a daily basis I eat gummy bear multivitamins to get the vitamins and minerals I can’t get from a bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, a glazed doughnut and a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp because, I’ll admit, I have a hard time swallowing pills, even with a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp to help wash it down. But the gummy multivitamins I consume are meant for children and come in six great flavors. The One A Day VitaCraves are meant for adults and it only has three flavors: orange, cherry and some kind of blueberry/raspberry hybrid.

You might wondering if there are any other differences between the children’s gummy multivitamins and the VitaCraves. The VitaCraves are definitely more potent than their gummy bear counterparts, providing almost always twice the amount of vitamins and minerals, but the gummy bear multivitamins taste like normal gummy bears, while the VitaCraves have a slight bitterness to them, like regular vitamins.

Also, while the gummy bear multivitamins are really soft like a Trolli Gummi Bear, the VitaCraves are quite tough like Haribo Gummi Bears or the skin of someone who stays out in the sun for too long on a regular basis. But if you’re someone who has a hard time swallowing pills it’s still a decent choice.

While two One A Day VitaCraves Gummies provide me with 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals, I think I’ll stick with my children’s gummy bear multivitamins because they taste better, are soft to chew and I can decapitate them with my teeth to get even with Teddy Ruxpin for ruining my cassette tape copy of “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.

(Supplement Facts – 2 gummies – 10 calories, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 80% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 100% vitamin D, 133% vitamin E, 100% vitamin B6, 100% folic acid, 167% vitamin B12, 50% biotin, 100% pantothenic acid, 53% iodine, 33% zinc, 60 micrograms of choline and 40 micrograms of inositol.)

Item: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies
Price: $7.83
Size: 50 gummies
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Two gummies provide 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals. Made for adults. Great for those who have trouble swallowing multivitamin pills. Decapitating gummy bears. “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.
Cons: Expensive for just 50 gummies, even though I bought it from Walmart. Not in bear form. Tough to chew. Slight bitterness. Only three flavors. Audio-animatronic bears.

REVIEW: Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich

/ / Reviews / 40 Comments

Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich

How does Hungry-Man stay in business?

It’s one of those questions that no one knows the answer to, like why don’t the paparazzi’s cameras break after taking pictures of Paris Hilton’s vagina as she slides out of a car? There’s so much saturated fat and sodium in their foods that I wonder how they still have customers who are alive. Hungry-Man is the only brand that makes fast food restaurants say, “Ugh…you’re going to eat that shit?”

The numbers found in the nutrition facts of a Hungry-Man product read more like test scores than anything else. 81 percent saturated fat? That’s a B- in Heart Disease. You’re on your way to college. Oh wait, I read that wrong. I meant to say “collapse.” You scored a 1040 on your SAT test. Woo hoo! Oh wait, it’s 1040 milligrams on your SALT. The new Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich continues the long tradition of Hungry-Man products by providing people with microwaveable meals that are full of saturated fat, sodium and regret.

I know what you’re thinking when you’re looking at the picture above. You think I should get that looked at by a physician, because it doesn’t look healthy. But that is not a growth, that is the Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich. Stare at it. Let all of that disgustingness sink in. Let it haunt your nightmares.

Despite how horribly unhealthy Hungry Man products are, they also, I hate to admit, tend to be somewhat tasty, and that was the case with this big slab of ground Angus beef with cheese and a sesame seed bun. By fat…I mean, by far, this burger comes nowhere near the quality, no matter how crappy it is, of a fast food burger, but against other frozen burgers I’ve had, it’s good. The burger’s size is quite hefty and makes the Whopper seems a little small. As you can see in the disgusting picture above that will haunt you while you sleep, the Angus patty is thick and significantly bigger than the sesame seed bun.

The patty had a nice meaty flavor that was seasoned nicely and the cheese seemed like it was just there for decoration because it didn’t add any flavor. As for the bun, it was hard and chewy in most places, but for a microwaveable burger that is par for the course. All of this equate to a burger that provides 700 calories, 81 percent of your daily recommended allowance for saturated fat and 1040 milligrams of sodium.

Again, you can get a much better tasting burger at a fast food place, and maybe slightly healthier too. With some drive-thru windows open 24 hours, there’s really no excuse to purchase the Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich, unless you really want to keep Hungry-Man in business.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 700 calories, 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 55 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 29 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Hungry-Man Angus Beef Charbroil XXL Sandwich
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big ass patty. Decent tasting. One of the better frozen burgers I’ve had. 1/2 a pound of food. Great source of protein.
Cons: Bun was hard and chewy. 1/2 of your arteries will be clogged. 81% of your daily allowance of saturated fat. Useless addition of cheese. 1.5 grams of trans fat. You can get significantly better burgers at a fast food joint. The picture of it will haunt you in your sleep.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Want You To Get Au Natural

/ / General, Prize Drawing / 192 Comments

I once in awhile dabble in the au naturalness. I believe I do my best thinking when I’m au natural, so whenever I write a review I try to be completely naked. I believe clothes restricts my creativity, although this belief makes it extremely difficult to write in coffee shops.

Are you an au natural person? How about occasionally au natural?

If you like your colas to be as au natural as you, you should try Pepsi Natural. It’s a premium cola made with all-natural ingredients, including natural sugar, natural caramel, kola nut extract, natural apple extract, and lightly sparking water. It also comes in a glass bottle like in the good old days before plastic bottles were just a twinkle in the eye of chemists. We reviewed it a few months ago and enjoyed it. If you want to learn more about Pepsi Natural and read other reviews about it, visit www.pepsinaturalnews.com.

Thanks to the kind folks at Pepsi, we have a Pepsi Natural “Au Natural” prize pack to give away, valued at $50 and featuring the following fun items:

Pepsi Natural “Au Natural” Giveaway
 
·         Pepsi Natural re-usable 100% organic cotton canvas bag
·         Yoga mat
·         Yoga mat tote
·         Pepsi Natural canvas hat made from 100% organic cotton
·         4-pack of Pepsi Natural premium cola drinks

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. Your comment MUST include something you’ve done that you would consider “natural,” like drinking water from a river, not using deodorant, recycling bottles, or using sheepskin condoms.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Sunday, July 19, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s only open to those 18 years old or older in the United States and Canada.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about me lovin’ you long time, which even if I would, I can’t. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you a treasure map that leads to certain doom. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or charges of indecent exposure.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Want To Write For The Impulsive Buy?

/ / Announcement, General

Do you like trying new products? Do you voice your opinion about those products to yourself in the mirror or to family members and pets who don’t care what you think? How would you like an audience that cares? If so, you should apply to be a writer for The Impulsive Buy.

We’re looking for a writer (or possibly two) to try the latest goods and review them using entertaining prose. Interested? Read on, my friend.

Here’s what you’ll need to send us:

Writing Samples

1. One sample review in TIB format (price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever product you want. We won’t be using the review on TIB, we just want to see your writing style to determine if you’d be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, most of them end up being around 300-500 words.

2. A bio about yourself and why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A few notes

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

2. Please don’t send attachments. Copy and paste your writing samples into your email.

To apply, please send us an email with your writing sample to theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom. Please add the word “Writer” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on Friday, July 17, 2009.

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