REVIEW: Classic Grape Purple Stuff

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Purple Stuff

The generic looking can the Classic Grape Purple Stuff is in makes it looks like it should be in the food section of your local 99 cent store, but I found it at the 7-Eleven down the street. What also makes it seem like it’s a cheap item is the possible spelling error in the nutrition facts section. One of the last vitamins listed is something called “patothenic acid,” which sounds more like a psychedelic dancehall reggae band. I think they meant to print “pantothenic acid,” which is also known as vitamin B5.

Also, could they put any more words on the front of the can? There are so many words, I wonder if a copy of it is available for the Amazon Kindle. There are so many words, I’m looking for the ISBN number. There are so many words, you could read them to your children as a bedtime story.

But enough about what’s on the outside, let’s talk about what’s inside.

While it comes in a can size that’s common with most energy drinks, Purple Stuff does the opposite of an energy drink. It’s a relaxation beverage that helps the consumer to calm down and focus, as you can tell by reading the plethora of words on the front of the Purple Stuff. It’s like liquid meditation or taking a Calgon bath and sticking it in a can. I guess a better way to describe it would be say it’s like comparing weed, a downer, with cocaine and an upper.

The Classic Grape Purple Stuff does what it does with the help of three ingredients: valerian root, L-theanine and rosehips powder. According to the Great Wikipedia, valerian root is used as a sedative, L-theanine has been shown to reduce anxiety and improve cognition and rosehips are a popular healthy treat for chinchillas.

The beverage has a tasty grape soda flavor, except not as sweet as regular grape soda and it has a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Thanks sucralose! It’s lightly carbonated, so it goes down smooth and is extremely easy to drink.

But does it make me feel relaxed? I don’t know if I could describe it as being relaxed. You know that feeling when you’re super tired, like during an all-nighter, and you have this sensation across your entire body, like your muscles are about to fall asleep. That’s the feeling I get from drinking a Purple Stuff, so I don’t know if I would drink this during the day. Some might consider that being relaxed, but I think of it as being sleepy, which is a feeling that can also be accomplished by reading the essay printed on the front of the Purple Stuff’s can.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 5 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of crystalline fructose, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 100% patothenic acid, 10 milligrams of rosehips powder, 10 milligrams of valerian root and 5 milligrams of L-Theanine.)

Item: Classic Grape Purple Stuff
Price: $1.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty grape soda flavor. Really easy to drink. Lightly carbonated. Only 50 calories. Lots of B vitamins. 16 ounce can. Inexpensive. Possible great replacement for warm milk, if you’re trying to fall asleep.
Cons: Contains no juice. Makes me sleepy, but not really relaxed. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Not something I would want to drink before a boring meeting. Can design makes it look like it belongs in a 99 cent store.

REVIEW: Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks

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I didn’t think it was possible, but I found something that frickin’ scares me even more than The King from Burger King — the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks.

At least with The King I can kick him in the testicles and run away, but with these syrup-flavored snacks, I don’t know how to defend myself from them. In reality, they look exactly like they do on the package, which isn’t the scary part.

What’s frightening about them is that they look like Muppet penises. Seriously, they do. Take one of these french toast snacks, then go grab an Ernie doll and make him anatomically correct with the crunchy treat. Watching Ernie sing the Rubber Duckie song in a bathtub on Sesame Street will NEVER be the same.

Opening a bag of the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks is like opening the door to a Denny’s during breakfast time; a strong aroma of maple syrup smacks you across your Grand Slam yearning face. Think of them as sweet, thicker Cheetos because they’re made out of puffed corn and have the same crunchy texture, but instead of orange cheesy goodness, they taste like syrup and pancakes with way too much butter.

However that sweet, buttery flavor was dampened when I ate the next piece right after the first piece and it stayed that way through the others I ate one after another. After letting my taste buds reset by not having any of it in my mouth for about a minute, that strong sweet flavor came back with the next chip I consumed, but it lessened again while eating the next one. I think this roller coaster of flavor was caused by the thickness of the pieces, which were almost twice the thickness of Cheetos. Since all of the flavor is on the outside of the snack, once that outer layer of flavor dissolves, it’s nothing but plain old corn meal.

Overall, I didn’t care too much for the flavor, when I could taste it. I guess the strong buttery flavor was slightly unappetizing. I wish it had more of a cinnamon flavor or, at least, a maple flavor that permeates more through each piece, instead of having to taste plain corn meal.

So I guess the outside and inside of the Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks scare me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 17 pieces – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

(Note: Here’s another review of them. He liked them much more than I did.)

Item: Burger King French Toast Flavored Snacks
Price: 99 cents
Size: 2.25 ounces
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. About twice the size of Cheetos puffs. Kicking The King in The Balls.
Cons: Looks like a Muppet penises. Strong buttery flavor was unappetizing. Once each piece loses its outer coating it tastes like plain corn meal. Scarier than The King. Strong aroma of maple syrup when you open the bag. Making Ernie anatomically correct.

Happy Fifth Birthday!!!

/ / Announcement, General, Prize Drawing / 216 Comments

Dear TIB,

Today, you turn five years old. My goodness, has it really been that long? Wait…Do I have to start sending you to school? You better tell me because I’m not going to jail for you. Oh, and for future reference, I won’t ever post bail for you. Sometimes you have to learn a lesson the hard way and if that means spending time in a cell with someone who’s missing teeth, has a face tattoo and calls you honey, then so be it.

But let’s not talk about a future that may or may not happen. Let’s talk about the present and past. You’ve grown quite a bit over the past year and made a lot of new friends. Sadly, your look hasn’t changed much over the past year or so. Perhaps it’s time for a makeover. But, unfortunately, daddy doesn’t have much money for one. I wonder if there’s a reality show out there that does child makeovers. Oh, who am I kidding? We would never end up on a reality show because I’m not an attention grabbing, fake-breasted whore or a muscular douchebag with anger issues.

We’re going to celebrate your birthday the same way we’ve celebrated your past birthdays by holding a prize drawing. For your fifth birthday, we’re going to give away five (5) mystery boxes, filled with items that we’ve reviewed over the past five years. The contents of each mystery box will be different.

To enter the drawing, TIB readers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” and how they discovered TIB. They should fill out the email field, because we’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Sunday, August 9, 2009 and stop accepting entries on Saturday, August 15, 2009 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE.

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It may involve chocolate syrup, scraps of paper and an electric fan.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about Chinese imports. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can get $4500 cash back for a new truck. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or lost time cause by watching reality shows.

Well, TIB, since it’s your fifth birthday, I guess it’s okay for you to finally watch TV, although not all of the channels. I’ve blocked all of them except PBS, Nickelodeon, Noggin, and C-SPAN.

Love,
Papa

REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables

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“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

REVIEW: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

Are you a really lazy hippie?

If your tie-dye shirt is dyed with only one color, half your hair is straight and the other half is dreadlocks and your bong is made out of a vase stolen from a cemetery, you may be a really lazy hippie.

If you’re not willing to put out free love, you only put up your pointer finger when attempting to show the peace sign and you call your fellow hippies by their real names instead of their hippie names, you might be a really lazy hippie.

If you rather play Grateful Dead songs on your iPod instead of your guitar, wear a Birkenstock sandal on one foot and go barefoot with the other and smell worse than other hippies, you could a really lazy hippie.

If you are a really lazy hippie, I have the perfect snack for your lazy granola loving tummy. It’s the Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters. Why is it perfect for lazy hippies? Because the clusters are bite-sized and they come in a resealable bag, which means there’s no need to open up a granola bar’s wrapper and take a bite out of it.

It’s much easier than making your own granola clusters, which involves taking a box of granola bars, putting it on a hard flat surface and then hitting it with a hammer a few times. Although, now that I think about it, it would probably be much easier for a lazy hippie to get granola clusters by asking another hippie for them, since the hippie code is all about sharing and shit.

The Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters are made up from cashews, pecans, peanuts, granola and a touch of honey to make everything stick together. Inside the bag it looks like a bunch of unwrapped broken up granola bars. It’s like someone just stuck the bars in there, sealed it and then placed it in the middle of a hippie jam circle to form the bite-sized clusters by getting the bag stepped on by a dancing tambourine player named Rainbow.

As for the flavor of the granola clusters, I thought it was good. There was a nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. If you like honey roasted peanuts, you’ll like these, although they’re not as sweet. I couldn’t taste the pecans, instead I mostly noticed the cashews and peanuts. Each cluster had a lot of nuts, but they weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be.

By weight, the amount in the bag (141 grams) is equivalent to about four of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars (35 grams each). The price of the Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters is roughly the same price for a box of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars, which contains six of them. So it seems we’re paying quite a bit for the convenience of having our granola and nuts clustered.

I guess a better value, if I wanted granola nut clusters, would be to buy a box of Nature Valley granola bars, place it in the middle of a hippie jam circle and let Rainbow at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (about 7 clusters) – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters
Price: $5.89
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. Bite-sized clusters. Reminds me of honey roasted peanuts. Comes in a resealable bag. Perfect for really lazy hippies. Lots of nuts. The hippie code of sharing.
Cons: Couldn’t taste the pecans. Nuts weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be. Smelly hippies. Not a good value when compared with a box of regular granola bars. Really lazy hippies.

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