REVIEW: Sonic Cheesy Garlic Pepperoni Bites

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I’m a simple gal: “cheesy,” “garlic,” and “pepperoni” are reliably three of my favorite things, so Sonic’s new Cheesy Garlic Pepperoni Bites should have been a slam dunk for me.

But I have to admit that their appearance made me hesitate. To get a bit philosophical on you, I consider a satisfying “bite” to be something that provides a consistent experience no matter where or how you chomp into it (take Little Caesars’ Crazy Puffs, for a recent example). While the triangular shape of the Bites is fun—if you squint, it could be reminiscent of a slice of pizza, which is a neat nod to their flavor, even though it also kind of makes them look like oversized Doritos—it creates a dilemma when trying to get a balanced mouthful.

The edges of each Bite are thin and crispy, with the filling packed in a plump pocket in the center, so if you were to take just a small nibble, you would totally miss what are arguably the most important flavors concentrated in the middle. But on the other hand, a bigger bite would inconveniently threaten to explode out the hot, liquid-like insides, and that’s not ideal either.

That didn’t end up being my largest issue with these, though. When I pulled apart one of the Bites, what I found didn’t look anything like the promotional image, which shows a neat delineation of gooey white cheese and perfect little pepperoni cubes. Even worse, it didn’t look pizza-adjacent at all. Frankly, what the orange mess specifically called to mind was wet cat food. I would describe the taste as “white noise punctuated by pepperoni.”

Befitting of the filling’s sludgy, indistinct appearance, I couldn’t taste clear notes of its garlic or cheese, just a general salty savoriness that occasionally tasted particularly pepperoni-ish. On paper, the filling is made up of mozzarella and provolone cheese, pepperoni, and pizza sauce; in practice, the filling is just “blah.” The thin morsels of meat did at least come through way more strongly than I would have guessed after having to squint to find them amidst the orangey ooze. And the cracker-like texture of the outer layer, while it was admittedly more flavorful and heartier than I expected, just wasn’t a good match for the filling. I think a soft center cries out for a doughy exterior, so the brittleness felt underwhelming.

These things aren’t very filling, either—you can order three, five, or seven pieces, and I had hoped that five would be enough to constitute a meal, but even with the extra Bite I swear my friendly cashier snuck in on purpose, I hardly felt nourished afterwards.

The Cheesy Garlic Pepperoni Bites are ultimately reminiscent of pizza in only the same way that a Lunchables pizza is: not very. (If you’re noticing, I’m making a lot of comparisons here; it’s because these things are simply not interesting enough to say much about on their own.) If you’re craving garlic, cheese, and pepperoni, why not just spring for the real thing?

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 5 pieces
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (5 pieces) 210 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Little Caesars Stuffed Pretzel Crust Pizza

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I was slightly confused when I heard all the hubbub about Little Caesars introducing a new limited edition Stuffed Pretzel Crust. “I could have sworn I’ve had that before…” I thought, but it turns out I remembered merely customizing a pretzel crust pizza to add stuffed crust to it. This is the first time that “Stuffed Pretzel Crust” itself has officially appeared on the menu, and as a marketing aficionado, I’m happy to accept that as a unique new product worthy of its own celebration.

In the promotional images, the pretzel crust is a rich brown, solid, and stout, shimmering with butter and salt, reminiscent of the iconic Bavarian pretzel. What was inside my pizza box looked so different that I was initially afraid I’d gotten the wrong order. My crust seemed perhaps a tad darker than usual, but it didn’t have the deep shade or sheen I expected.

When I bit in, though, I realized it was perfectly pretzel-y; it was just more like a different type of pretzel: Auntie Anne’s. While it didn’t have a Bavarian pretzel’s telltale hue, firm snap leading to a chewy bite, or malty taste, it did boast a buttery, subtle sweetness, so perfectly complemented by its tender, fluffy texture that it practically melted in my mouth. Though it wasn’t what I expected, it paired with the stuffed crust beautifully. While the doughy pretzel crust didn’t have an overwhelming flavor, it had a noticeable aftertaste. That was well-balanced by the simple, mild cheese inside, which was soft enough that it paired perfectly with the pillowy crust yet never became gooey.

There are a few options on the website for how to order your Pretzel Stuffed Crust; taking the first option as a subtle endorsement, I went with Cheese Sauce & Pepperoni. I must confess I imagined the cheese sauce would be a small cup for dipping the crust into, like how many restaurants offer soft pretzel sticks with cheese dip as an appetizer. It wasn’t until I was partway through a surprisingly mild-tasting slice that it hit me: the cheese sauce wasn’t on the side, it was replacing the tomato sauce on the pizza!

This may sound counterintuitive, but I think the fact that it took me so long to realize this shows how well it worked. The cheese sauce blended perfectly with the cheese topping, bringing a unique creaminess. While tomato sauce usually adds some savory depth, the pretzel crust means that this pizza is covered in a generous, tongue-tingling smattering of salt that already provides plenty of complex flavor, so I appreciated that the sauce was more mellow in comparison. Its color reminded me of Velveeta cheese, but the taste wasn’t so tangy, more like a bland nacho cheese. This plainness also allowed the pepperoni to particularly pop.

First, I was surprised by how my Stuffed Pretzel Crust looked, but by the end of my meal, I was only surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It would be nice if the promotional images were a bit more accurate, but the decadent feeling of combining stuffed crust pizza with my favorite airport treat was way worth the slightly mismatched expectations.

Purchased Price: $9.99
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Whole pizza) 2660 calories. No other nutritional information is available on the Little Caesars website.

REVIEW: Domino’s Parmesan Stuffed Crust Pizza

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I like Domino’s Pizza a lot but haven’t ordered it in years. That might seem counterintuitive, but there’s a good reason: I’m a stuffed crust fanatic, and Domino’s doesn’t offer stuffed crust. Or at least it hasn’t… until now. Cue the Parmesan Stuffed Crust!

It’s no exaggeration to say that I literally screamed when I heard the news. The name is a bit misleading, though: the crust is actually stuffed with mozzarella (as can also be found at Pizza Hut, Papa John’s, my grimy college dive with pizza so good I was willing to wait through multiple bar fights for it, etc.).

The parmesan element comes from a parmesan and garlic seasoning sprinkled across the crust. It’s the default for this pie but can be removed if desired… and honestly, I ended up wishing I’d done that. I prefer the simple, mild creaminess of mozzarella to parmesan’s funky saltiness, which was on full display here, so I would have liked to see the stuffed stuff stand on its own, even if that meant forsaking the namesake cheese. But I’m getting ahead of myself!

After surviving what felt like an endless wait for my delivery, I was rewarded with a pizza that was still as piping hot and pristine as if it’d just come out of the oven. My pie looked darker than I expected, but I didn’t mind since it didn’t taste overcooked. In fact, it reminded me why Domino’s is so beloved. The cheese was thick and consistently applied, neither too congealed nor too oozy; the sauce was impressively zesty, with a strong herbal taste that was way more interesting than the pizza I’m used to from other chains; the crust had the floppy, foldable texture I crave, firm enough to hold the weight of all of that goodness while still soft and supple enough not to literally crack under the pressure. But each bite, no matter how wonderful, was a mere appetizer leading up to the main course I came for.

And the stuffed crust was… nice.

Of course, since this pizza had been generating enough hype from me to power a small village, “nice” was not really the reaction I had hoped for. But ultimately, I wanted the cheese in my stuffed crust to be more solid, and this filling, though pleasingly abundant, was too gooey for me. In my opinion, the regular cheese on top of a pizza is already gooey enough, so the stuffed crust is an opportunity to bring something different to the table, and I was sad Domino’s didn’t take that opportunity! And as I mentioned, I found the parmesan unnecessary; it felt more like a marketing gimmick for extra uniqueness rather than an actual value add. Perhaps Domino’s should have considered that the reason other pizza places don’t liberally sprinkle their stuffed crusts with parmesan is because it tastes too overwhelming and distracts from the real star of the show.

But the bottom line is that stuffed crust is great! Domino’s is great! Stuffed crust Domino’s, therefore, is destined to be great! Sure, there are parts I could have enjoyed more, but this was still a dream come true—a pie in the sky, if you will, and even though it shot for the moon and missed for me, it still landed among the stars.

Purchased Price: $16.99
Size: Medium/12-inch (this is the only size available)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Not available at the time of the review’s publication.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Harry Potter Butterbeer Goldfish

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Apparently, it’s Butterbeer Season, a March-through-May festivity at Universal Orlando Resort that Google has just informed me is traditionally celebrated with a frothy glass of the titular butterscotch beverage. But, like Harry Potter’s Patronus, a new crop of Butterbeer-flavored products has poofed onto the market as if by magic, and thus Butterbeer Season can now be celebrated in the comfort of your own home (or local grocery store parking lot if you really can’t wait). From this flood, I reeled in quite the catch: Butterscotch Goldfish (or, as their parents would call them when they’re angry, Harry Potter Butterbeer Butterscotch Flavored Graham Crackers).

Goldfish’s Grahams line swaps the classic savory flavors of the “snack that smiles back” and cracker-like texture for a sweeter, more cookie-esque style. Rather than being brittle and cheesy, these Butterbeer Goldfish are dense and dessert-y. Beyond that, though, I’m honestly finding them a bit hard to explain. They certainly smell like butterscotch, but when I took my first nibble, the immediate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting: it was salty. As far as I can tell, this saltiness didn’t come from the Goldfish cracker itself but rather from the gritty seasoning it’s covered with. These aren’t nearly as powdery and messy as, say, orange-dust-engulfed Cheetos, but I still found the coating inconvenient and mildly unsettling.

That taste quickly gave way to a richer graham cracker flavor, but it wasn’t one that I would have immediately identified as “butterscotch” had that word not been literally written on the bag. Sure, I can kind of taste the “butter” element, but I was expecting some additional caramelized creaminess that never surfaced. Puzzled by how to pin down this agreeable, comforting, but rather indistinct flavor, I sampled another piece… which turned into a handful… and soon I found myself as full of fish as a patron of an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant, but not necessarily full of insights. (Well, okay, they’re not all shaped like fish—there are fun Butterbeer barrels and foaming glasses in there, too.)

These Goldfish are tasty and toasty, sugary and brown sugar-y, and have a subtle treacly aftertaste that reminded me a bit of maple syrup. But they left me wishing I was a Hogwarts student so I could use an “Accio” spell to conjure up an understanding of why exactly they have been branded as butterscotch-tasting… or how exactly they’re different than the other similar flavors of Goldfish Grahams I’ve had in the past.

But I don’t mean to Avada Kedavra with faint praise: Butterbeer Goldfish are not bad by any means, it’s just that in order to differentiate them from any other graham snack on the market, you might need a Sorting Hat.

Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: 6.1 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (31 pieces) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Kisses

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Cinnamon Toast Crunch has been having a bit of a moment with a host of new-ish to hot-off-the-presses products and flavors (including Strawberry and, if you were lucky/crazy enough to win a recent sweepstakes, a collaboration with TOTINO’S freaking PIZZA).

Hershey’s Kisses is also an iconic snack brand that has recently been flirting with souped-up special editions (Butterbeer, anyone?) So, it might not be surprising to learn that these two powerhouses have gone ahead and teamed up for Cinnamon Toast Crunch Hershey’s Kisses—and if you’re like me, an aficionado of both overly sweet cereal and white crème candy, this is a total dream come true.

I had a good feeling the moment I found these on proud display at Target. The indulgently enormous Share Pack size promises luxurious abundance, and the appealing design of the bag—a crisp white with friendly swirls of star-studded bright green, purple, orange, and blue to mirror the cereal’s box—is a harbinger of the high quality and attention to detail ahead. Even the wrappers, another riff on that psychedelic color palette, are delightful, suggesting much more whimsy than the classic staid silver of the OG Kiss.

I might be establishing a high bar for the candies to live up to, but when I unwrapped my first one, I wasn’t disappointed at all. They’re beautiful little morsels of white crème run through with rich butterscotch-colored stripes, reminiscent of a lighter-colored Hershey’s Hug. Oh yeah, and they smell fantastic! The cinnamon aroma is strong; more specifically, it really does seem like a Cinnamon Toast Crunch aroma, as there’s a slightly-cloying-but-not-quite-overwhelming, powdered sugar-esque sweet undertone that specifically evokes cereal rather than any old cinnamon-y baked good. Clearly, I was extremely pleased with everything I saw and sniffed, so I barely made it two steps past the self-checkout before sneaking a snacking.

They say don’t meet your heroes, but you know what? This flavor actually lived up to all of my expectations, tasting exactly as delicious as it looks and smells. Food science really is magical—if you asked a wizard to conjure up the perfect blend of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Hershey’s Kisses, this is exactly what I imagine they’d poof into existence. (Does Hershey’s have actual wizards working for them? Come to think of it, that would explain the Butterbeer Kisses…)

One more neat touch, which the product image on the packaging exaggerates but which you can’t quite see on an actual Kiss until biting into it, is the crunchy bits on the inside. According to the Hershey’s website, they’re graham-flavored, and while I didn’t immediately identify that (they seemed to me more like a fun textural enhancement with the added bonus of slightly cutting the sweetness), it made sense, doubling as both a satisfying explanation for their more subdued taste and an additional nod to the cereal inspiration.

If you’re the type of Cinnamon Toast Crunch fanatic who’ll have a bowl for breakfast, a Creamy Cinnamon Spread sandwich for lunch, and a Cinnadust-seasoned entrée for dinner, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Hershey Kisses would make the perfect dessert… and even if you like CTC just a normal amount, I promise you’ll still love these. (If you somehow don’t, don’t worry; I’d be happy to take them off your hands.)

Purchased Price: $6.52
Size: 9 oz bag (Share Pack)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (7 pieces) 170 calories, 9 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

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