REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Protein Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon

/ / Reviews / 3 Comments

Pop-Tarts Protein Boostin' Brown Sugar Cinnamon box

There will come a time, likely at the beginning of next month if history is any indicator, where many of us in the junk food community — myself included — will find ourselves standing in front of a bathroom mirror, or on an unforgiving bathroom scale, lamenting the devious being who invented Chex Party Mix, puppy chow, and those delightfully sinful temptations that haunt my dreams, Oreo balls. We will pledge to right the ship in the new year by eschewing things that weren’t grown in dirt or on trees, by taking walks over our lunch breaks, and by avoiding sugar like it’s the door handle of a grade school bathroom.

We know how to eat healthy, sure. The problem is eating healthy isn’t always delicious, and as human people, we like to eat delicious things. Kellogg’s is trying to up its share of the health food market by cramming its beloved breakfast pastries with extra protein. Okay, so “cramming” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. And make no mistake, despite the increased amount of protein, these are still far from healthy food.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a pretty harsh Pop-Tart critic. Over the last several years, Pop-Tarts, as much if not more so than any other food, seemed to have suffered from shrinkflation. With each passing package, they seem to lose frosting coverage, and, much like my joy while consuming, the filling has diminished. I just can’t justify the sugar and the calories when I get so little happiness in return. The new extra protein version, however, was a markedly different experience.

Pop-Tarts Protein Boostin' Brown Sugar Cinnamon icing

Each pastry was covered in frosting, with only the barest edge of crust untouched. There seemed to be more filling than I’ve grown accustomed to, too. I had Protein Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon (Brown Sugar Cinnamon being the best all-time regular Pop-Tart, of course), and each bite was full of that familiar cinnamon-y goodness. (These also come in Bumpin’ Blueberry and Slammin’ Strawberry, because, in the name of health, food must be bumped, slammed, and/or boosted, obviously.)

The only difference I could notice from a regular Pop-Tart was the texture; these were chewier than usual, but not to the point of distraction. What I mean is, if you haven’t had a normal Pop-Tart in several years, the textural difference probably won’t even be noticeable.

Pop-Tarts Protein Boostin' Brown Sugar Cinnamon filling

I enjoyed the box I bought enough to want to try the other varieties. I’d be surprised if they remain on shelves, though. People looking for gainz won’t find many here — 10 grams for two tarts from milk protein concentrate and wheat protein, isn’t exactly incredible, and only double the original, plus you’re ingesting 31 grams of sugar along the way — and the regular Pop-Tart consumer probably won’t be bothered to spend an extra buck.

Purchased Price: $3.48
Size: 14.3 oz box/8 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Pop-Tarts) 400 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Snickerdoodle Cookie Kisses

/ / Reviews / Leave a Comment

Hershey's Snickerdoodle Cookie Kisses bag design

Halloween has come and gone, and while the Pumpkin Spice Period isn’t totally over (you usually see some straggling items until at least Thanksgiving), we are now firmly entrenched in Christmas Food Season.

Everything is sugar-cookied or gingerbreaded, with the occasional item even getting nogged. The best Christmasization, arguably, is when things get snickerdoodle’d. I don’t remember “snickerdoodle” being so ubiquitously Christmas when I was young. But I also have a working theory that pumpkin spice wasn’t even a thing until about 15 years ago, so who really knows.

Hershey's Snickerdoodle Cookie Kisses foil wrappers

Well, I do love a snickerdoodle— regardless of the season, quite frankly— but I truly wasn’t expecting to enjoy these new Hershey’s Snickerdoodle Cookie Kisses as much as I did.

Part of my trepidation was likely due to the “white creme” base of these Kisses. Oftentimes, any cheap confection labeled “white creme” or “white chocolate” is waxy and prone to leaving a weird film in your mouth. These delightful little nuggets did nothing of the sort. Instead, there was a genuine bit of creaminess, which was surprising.

Hershey's Snickerdoodle Cookie Kisses cookie bits

The contrasting texture of the cookie pieces worked well, too, adding a light, sweet crunch. Speaking of, each Kiss had plenty of little cookie bits. They lent a subtle hint of cinnamon and sugar, and dare I say… butteriness? I didn’t expect as much nuanced flavor as these little Kisses provided.

In the end, I was left with a surprising amount of fondness for these Snickerdoodle Kisses. Will I eat this whole bag well before Christmas? Yes. And will I buy another bag to use for thumbprint snickerdoodle cookies? That actually sounds like a great idea.

Purchased Price: $4.97
Size: 9 oz bag
Rating: 8 out of 10
Purchased at: Walmart
Nutrition Facts: (7 pieces) 160 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dot’s Homestyle Pretzels Buffalo Seasoned Pretzel Twists

/ / Reviews / 2 Comments

Even though my weather app tells me it was 95 degrees this past weekend, the store shelves and the calendar tell me we’re in the thick of Pumpkin Spice season. Excessively seasoned pretzel purveyor Dot’s, however, didn’t get the message. Instead, it’s choosing to fight off the impending Autumnal chill with the tangy heat of a new Buffalo version of its popular twists.

When it comes to Dot’s, I’m mostly a purist. I’ve tried the Garlic Parmesan and the Honey Mustard, and while I enjoy both, the original is still my favorite. I’ll also posit that there’s always a bit of trepidation that accompanies taste-testing a new flavor; these things ain’t cheap, and if they’re bad, well, it’s hard knowing you could’ve had two bags of Doritos for the same price. (At least in Walmart money.)

So when I tried the first one, I thought to myself, “What the hell is this?” I was a bit let down. Like a punch-drunk boxer with a costly Faberge egg habit, however, I don’t know when to quit. And so I had another. And I went, “Hey, this is pretty okay.” And by the third, I was thinking, “Oh, wow, okay. This is nice.”

The “Buffalo” seasoning is all that it claims to be via the top of the packaging: “spicy ’n tangy.” The spice isn’t anything the weakest of spice wimps wouldn’t be able to handle, but it’s definitely noticeable. The vinegary punch of the buffalo seasoning really shines, though, and in classic Dot’s fashion, there’s plenty of coverage along the whole twist. There’s even something that evokes the tang of bleu cheese, but I think that’s just my overheated 95-degrees-in-the-middle-of-September imagination working overtime.

In the end, I really liked these. But having said that, I feel like I’ll only buy again if I can find them in the 5-ounce bag. A 16-ounce pouch is just a lot of Buffalo for an itch that a couple of servings can scratch.

Purchased Price: $6.17
Size: 16 oz pouch
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 oz) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 340 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: King Krumb Cookies

/ / Reviews / 2 Comments

At some point in the last year or so, Walmart decided that it needed to attract a more highbrow clientele. No longer content with simply being the place to get into a fistfight in the flip-flop aisle or play “see who can grab the last can of Great Value ravioli first” with an online shopper, it introduced its “Bettergoods” line, sophisticated fare for a more discerning palate. The line has seemingly been met with good accolades— for the most part, at least from what I’ve seen on the internet— and I can attest to the enjoyability of the “wood-fired” pizza offerings. (Seriously— all of them are surprisingly legit.)

And although the new King Krumb Cookies (all I can think about is how the Simpsons dealt with inadvisable alliteration specifically as it pertained to “Klassic” episodes of Krusty’s “Komedy” show) are not branded as Bettergoods, they are another attempt at self-improvement. I have seen it posited that the KKCs are Walmart’s attempt at luring in customers of Crumbl, a popular national cookie chain. And that may be, but here’s the thing: Crumbl is Crumbl for a reason. Their cookies are large, chewy, soft, and taste freshly made. There is an endless variety of inventive flavors to ensure that hardcore Crumblrs (I made that up) come back with each new fun release and/or seasonal return. The order size is customizable, from a single cookie to a 12-pack, ensuring that you can give yourself a treat or impress a small gathering (or, you know, get the 12-pack yourself and spend a weekend filling yourself with sugar and self-loathing).

On that same token, Walmart is Walmart for a reason, and its King Krumb’s are not Crumbl. They are big, and… well, that’s about where the comparison ends. There are three varieties, and they come in packs of two. For this review, I went with the two-pack featuring Decadent Chocolate Chunk (DCC) and Triple Chocolate Fudge (TCF) (The DCC is also paired with a Confetti Birthday Cake version.)

Upon my first bite of the DCC cookie, my first thought was Chips Ahoy because that’s exactly what it tasted like— a chewy Chips Ahoy. It was, put in the simplest possible way, a generic chocolate chip cookie. The TCF was a little better straight out of the box, set apart by a distinctly fudgy undertone. The box suggests wrapping them in a paper towel and microwaving for 20 seconds. Never one to disobey a box— and as a firm proponent of warm cookies— I did just this. And while it DID make each cookie considerably more enjoyable, it also turned them both into soggy, nearly impossible to eat messes. Even still, the improvement bump from microwaving did little to set them apart from any of Walmart’s other pre-packaged bakery cookies.

In the end, this feels like just another stretch in Walmart’s effort to make themselves something that they’re not. They’d be better served leaving big, warm cookies to the Insomnias and Crumbls of the world.

Purchased Price: $5.97
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: Decadent Chocolate Chunk 6 out of 10, Triple Chocolate Fudge 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/3rd cookie) DCC – 220 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 21 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein, TCF – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein

REVIEW: Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Cheddar BBQ

/ / Reviews / 3 Comments

Some BBQ purists are disgusted by the inclusion of cheese with BBQ. I come from the undisputed BBQ capital of the world (take a hike, Texas) and disagree with this sentiment. A nicely melted slice of cheddar does wonders on a burger featuring BBQ sauce. One of the most popular menu items from one of the best BBQ spots in my city (and so, by default, one of the best BBQ places in the world) is the “Z-Man,” a sandwich featuring smoked, sliced brisket, onion rings, a dab of BBQ sauce, and a beautifully smoked slice of provolone cheese all on a Kaiser roll.

So, what I’m saying is that cheese and BBQ are a winning flavor combination, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

It was with this in mind that I had high hopes for the new Flamin’ Hot BBQ Cheddar Cheetos. Well, except for the fact that I never eat Cheetos. It’s not that I don’t like them — it just never crosses my mind to buy them. Oh sure, if I’m on a gently swaying pontoon under a blistering summer sun, and you hand me a bag, I’ll dabble. But left to my own devices in the snack aisle, nine times out of ten, I’m choosing either some sort of Doritos or a potato chip. However, if Frito Lay keeps these around, that may change.

Everything is upfront with these crunchy little curls of deliciousness — the heat, the rich cheddar flavor, the mildly sweet tang of the BBQ sauce, and there’s even a noticeable smokiness that imbues within each piece a degree of unexpected complexity. There is no nuance here — you get what you get in each bite and I appreciate that.

I also appreciate the uniformity. We all know that not every Dorito is created equal; while some triangles are coated with a thick dust of powder, others are as dry as a recently Lasik’d eye. With these Cheetos (and maybe it’s all Cheetos? I may need to dig a little), every bite is as fulfilling as the bite before, and there’s a commodity in the known. I was also surprised by the seemingly muted heat. I’ve had “Flamin’ Hot” things before, and I often find it a stupid heat — hot for the sake of hot. I’m not sure if the smoky BBQ cheesiness balanced these out or what because although there was a nice, mild burn, it wasn’t aggressive or obnoxious.

If you’re an anti-cheesian with regard to BBQ, these may not be for you. But if you hold no such prejudice, or you’re at least open to experimentation, I’d highly recommend snagging a bag of these when you see them. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Purchased Price: $4.43
Size: 8.5 oz bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (28g) 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

Scroll to Top