REVIEW: Totino’s Pizza Ramen Noodles

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I am no stranger to a good food mashup. After all, who doesn’t love a taco pizza or a pizza burger or any number of other things crossed with, topped with, or covering a pizza? But I’m just going to come right out and say it: Totino’s Buffalo Style Chicken Pizza Ramen Noodles is not a good food mashup, and I kind of wish I was a stranger to it.

I eat a good bit of instant ramen. I also eat a decent amount of frozen pizza, often of the buffalo chicken variety. So when I saw that Totino’s was coming out with a buffalo chicken pizza ramen, it’s fair to say my little heart skipped a beat. I wish I had better news to report.

Unfortunately, I don’t really think this counts as “ramen” per se. The noodles are shorter, thinner, and wider than any other instant ramen I’ve tasted. They were more reminiscent of one of the instant pasta varieties that come in a similar cup, like the ones made by Knorr or Pasta Roni. I might even go as far as to compare them to Kraft Easy Mac before I jump to calling this ramen.

The noodles aren’t the only thing keeping me from pinning a Ramen ribbon to this orangey-red concoction. The sauce (and yes, it’s sauce. This is NOT broth by any stretch) is thick and a little oily, with a vinegary aftertaste courtesy of the hot sauce flavoring. If you decide to try this for yourself, learn from my mistakes and stir it really, really well before microwaving. I stirred it initially as the instructions told me, but I wasn’t as thorough as I perhaps should have been. As a result, I had a thick, sticky paste-like substance at the bottom of my cup that required a lot of extra stirring to dissolve fully into the not-broth mixture. To be fair, I had been expecting a more “traditional” ramen-style outcome and not a thicker, saucier, sludge-type thing.

Upon peeling back the lid, the hot sauce scent is overpowering. It’s not quite nostril-stinging, but it’s closer than I’d like. It smells spicy but doesn’t taste that spicy, making it doubly disappointing. It’s not as fiery as Totino’s Faze Clan Pizza Rolls (or the older Totino’s proper variety) of the same flavor, which I do happen to enjoy. I think maybe the hot sauce mixed directly in with the cheese cancels out the heat, leaving behind a vinegary tang and a kinda vaguely spicy-adjacent hot sauce flavor, but without a trace of chicken. The ingredients say there’s chicken stock in there, but if you were to tell me you’d dumped a few shakes of hot sauce into some off-brand instant mac and cheese, I’d believe you. The pasta is also much softer than I like my ramen, despite only letting it sit for about 15 seconds rather than the recommended 2-3 minutes post-microwave. (What? I was hungry!)

All in all, stick to the pizza rolls, Totino’s, and leave the ramen to the pros.

Purchased Price: $1.88
Size: 2.19 oz container
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 240 calories, 6 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 1430 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of total sugar, and 7 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Reese’s PB&J Big Cups

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I’m a big fan of the current Renaissance Reese’s is having these days. It feels like we’ve had more peanut butter cup innovation over the last 12 months than the previous 12 YEARS, and I, for one, am there for it. I have to admit, I’ve had mixed feelings about some of the newer creations, but on the whole, I am just happy for all the new treats.

In addition to some heavy hitters that dropped recently, like the Caramel Big Cup and Red Velvet, we now have PB&J with strawberry and grape flavors! Honestly, the only real surprise is how long it took Reese’s to come out with such a classic peanut butter pairing, especially as we’ve had things like cereal, sugar cookies, and pretzels featured in peanut butter cups. But the wait is over! It’s peanut butter jelly time sans baseball bat.

Let’s start with the grape, if only because it comes first alphabetically.

After opening the package, there is a whiff of chemically grape and then the familiar peanut butter and chocolate combo. That fruity scent almost brings to mind the grape flavor of Big League Chew. I cut the first cup in half to get a view of the inside and was disappointed at the ratio of peanut butter to jelly inside. If this were a sandwich, it would absolutely not pass muster. This is disappointing for two reasons: 1) It throws off the flavor balance in the candy. 2) I KNOW Reese’s can and has done better! The ratio in the recent Chocolate Lava Cup and the aforementioned Caramel Cup was much better.

The chocolate and peanut butter you know and love are the same as you’d expect, with the artificial grape flavor playing a distant third. It tastes very fake when my tongue could pick it up. I even pulled apart the cup to get a better taste, and it was hard to get much flavor, even with a finger swipe of just the sticky purple goop itself. What is there is very reminiscent of grape Kool-aid with a bit too much water mixed with it.

Now, onto the strawberry.

The initial scent upon opening these is oddly both stronger *and* weaker. Stronger in that there’s definitely more there, more present than the grape, weaker in the sense that it smells less like the intended flavor. It’s less of a specifically strawberry fragrance and more of a generically sweet, fruity candy scent. That didn’t bode well.

As with the grape, the strawberry layer is pitifully thin and utterly lacking. Interestingly, it had a stickier consistency though. It reminded me of the squeeze tube-type candy like Ooze Tubes.

Just like with the grape, the flavor was faint and very artificial. It reminded me of mixing green gummy bears into Sprite and letting them sit long enough to start dissolving. It was like someone turned down the flavor without turning down the sweetness.

All in all, both flavors are good for peanut butter cups but really weak if you’re specifically looking for peanut butter AND JELLY cups.

Purchased Price: $3.19 each
Size: 2.8 oz
Purchased at: CVS (Grape), Cumberland Farms (Strawberry)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (both)
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) 190 calories, 10 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of total sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Orange Cream

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I have to admit, I was a big fan of the Coca-Cola Orange Vanilla (and that hilarious car chase commercial) from a few years back. So when I heard the company was dropping a new Orange Cream flavor, I was pretty excited.

I mean, like, stalking and refreshing the Walmart app, waiting for it to show up within a 50-mile radius of me excited.

At last, after a few false alarms and failed attempts, it’s mine. All mine.

If I were to arrange the words “Orange Cream Coke” by the strength of the flavors in this beverage, they’d be in the reverse order: “Coke Cream Orange.”

The Coke flavor, that familiar kind of spicy, kind of earthy taste, is first and foremost as it should be. The cream flavor comes next, but it’s a bit tangy and has an almost yogurt-like taste, although not too strong. Then comes the orange at the end, even fainter in its flavor. The aftertaste is also orange-y, but in an even more mild way. What’s missing is that sweet vanilla-y, almost cream soda flavor the previous incarnation from 2019 had.

The orange has that artificial citrus quality, kind of like orange gummies or Kool-aid do, but in a pleasantly mild, background note kind of way.

This soda isn’t bad, but it’s not great, either. As a fan of the aforementioned Coca-Cola Orange Vanilla, I have to say I’m a bit disappointed. It’s not as well-rounded or boldly flavored as its predecessor. But if you’re looking for a soft drink to fill the void that the other one left in its wake, it’s not a bad option.

Purchased Price: $2.38
Size: 20 fl oz bottle
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 bottle) 240 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 65 grams of total sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Aqua Blast Gatorade

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As soon as I saw the bottle, I was hooked by the 80s retro yet somehow modern vibes. A bit of vaporwave never hurt anyone!

I wanted to go into this review blind, so to speak, so I avoided looking up what flavor it was supposed to be. If the aqua and purple were any indication, maybe grape? Blue raspberry? Dragonfruit?

Bzzztt! Wrong!

Upon opening the bottle, I was immediately hit with that sort of tangy, sharp-yet-sweet scent I usually associate with tropical fruit-flavored candy. Pouring some into a glass, the aqua hue mimics the exterior wrap on the bottle. Very neon, very aqua.

Having had a lot of Gatorade, I expected it to smell a lot stronger than it tasted, and it didn’t disappoint in that regard. The flavor is very much a sort of toned down pineapple gummy bear with a hint of something else, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, all wrapped in that sort of salty background note that electrolyte-enhanced beverages all have in common.

I took a few more sips and decided the flavor was probably a very pineapple-forward tropical fruit. Then I Googled and found out it was supposedly pineapple mango. I have to admit, I really don’t taste mango at all. Just a vague hint of something tropical beyond the pineapple. You could have told me it was pineapple guava or pineapple papaya, and I wouldn’t have doubted it.

In conclusion, it’s not bad. If Gatorade is your jam, you’ll probably like this one, especially if you like artificial pineapple-flavored things.

Purchased Price: $1.72
Size: 28 fl oz bottle
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Per Serving: 80 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of total sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Mountain Dew Baja Dream Freeze

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A small chunk of my misspent youth was… well, spent in an area of the western US known for dirty soda. If you’re not familiar with it, a dirty soda is basically soda with cream of some sort mixed in, kind of like a less frozen version of a float or an ice cream soda. Similar vibes. We usually made ours with Dr Pepper and coffee creamer.

Anyway, as of late, it seems like variations on dirty soda have been spreading beyond the area they originated from, and the Baja Blast Dream Freeze feels in line with that trend.

If you haven’t had Baja Blast, it’s a lime-forward Mountain Dew flavor created for and available at Taco Bell in both standard soda and freeze/slushy versions. The new “Dream” versions incorporate “vanilla crème.”

I actually liked this freezy, cool concoction a lot! The vanilla crème brings out the lime flavor in a really pleasant way, reminiscent of lime sherbet. It mellows out the sharper notes and rounds out the overall citrusy edge of the Dew nicely, and finishes with a nice sweet aftertaste.

The vanilla crème doesn’t change the consistency at all, which I found surprising. I expected that adding the cream in would make it, well, creamier or at least somewhat richer the way adding coffee creamer to Dr Pepper does. However, it still has the same texture as any other Taco Bell Freeze but with a nice complementary flavor enhancement.

I hope this one sticks around for a while because I’ll definitely be ordering it along with my Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supremes for as long as it’s available.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Size: Large
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 230 calories, 1 gram of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 57 grams of total sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

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