REVIEW: Gingerbread Twix Cookie Bars

Gingerbread Twix

I have mixed feelings when it comes to holiday food items. On one hand, I detest peppermint with the kind of passion Buffalo Bills fans usually reserve for anything New York Jets related. By the same token, I can’t get behind this trend of covering everything in chocolate and somehow proclaiming it to have something to do with Plymouth Rock, Santa Claus, the Baby Jesus, a dreidel, or even some damn Festivus pole. Yes, Santa is fat, and eating everything covered in chocolate will probably make you fat, but if that’s the only connection you’re making, then you’ve lost me.

On the other hand, the months of November and December mean gingerbread. Warm and slightly spicy, with a distinctive honey-molasses flavor and usually a smiling face that gets bitten off first, gingerbread people make peppermint and fruitcake and all that other trite holiday crap I usually feed to my uncle’s dog completely worth it.

But what happens when simple, traditional, and thank-God-it-never-changes gingerbread is suddenly subjected to one of my biggest pet peeves of holiday food merchandising and covered in milk chocolate? That was the question at stake when I beheld the Limited Edition Gingerbread Twix on the shelves of Walmart.

At first, I was offended. How could I not be? It struck me as a bastardization of a candy I had only fond memories of as a child. Vague and clouded as those memories are from what surely was a sugar-induced Halloween experience, Twix always made it into my “keeper” pile. Dare I say, I think an 11-year-old Adam, dressed up in a horribly oversized Admiral Ackbar mask, may have actually proclaimed Twix to be the most underrated candy of all time.

However, recent samplings of leftover Halloween candy from the office candy bowl do not corroborate these memories. Don’t get me wrong, Twix is far from offensive, but as one of the 74.3%* of candy bars that combine caramel, chocolate, and something crunchy, it hardly stands out. So you might say I passed from offended to intrigued, and having no self-discipline whatsoever, bought a bag of Gingerbread Twix.

*Completely unscientific number based on RFG (Random Fucking Guess) sampling. Should you actually try to confirm this number, I believe you’d come remarkably close.

Gingerbread Twix 2

An initial crunch of the fun size wafer reveals everything good about the classic Twix and more. With a sturdy cookie base and some really excellent Stretch Armstrong action from the above caramel, it’s crunchy in a way that doesn’t fragment into a zillion tiny candy pieces. The initial flavor is milk chocolate—-and not, mind you, Hershey’s cheap kind of milk chocolate—-with sweet caramel, and a hint of buttery sugar cookie.

After the initial taste of chocolate and caramel, there emerges a certain je ne sais quoi flavor element. Like a symphony, it increases gradually in its volume and intensity. A slightly spicy-sweet note that tastes just like a gingerbread cookie serves as this candy’s crescendo. There’s also a s’mores element, and, as odd as it sounds, it makes sense given the notes of cinnamon and honey that both graham crackers and gingerbread share (at least, any of the graham crackers worth eating if you ask me.)

After carefully extracting the chocolate, cookie, and caramel elements and sampling them independently, it tastes as if the gingerbread flavor rests within the chocolate coating, and not, as the package indicates, in the caramel. Not overpowering, the gingerbread flavor nevertheless is the defining taste of the singular bite, and for some strange reason it just works wonderfully with the chocolate.

Gingerbread Twix 3

What I like about the use of gingerbread in Twix as opposed to other candy bars is that there’s a default contrast in textures offered from the crunchy and moist interplay of the cookie and caramel elements, respectively. Seeing as though gingerbread is sometimes served as a moist cake or cookie and other times served as a harder biscuit-like cookie, this appeal to both kinds of textures is optimal. As for why gingerbread suddenly seems to work with the combination of chocolate and caramel, you’ve got me. Perhaps it’s that Christmas magic that powers Santa’s sleigh and allows reindeer to fly, or maybe it’s just that Twix was always very good and just needed a little extra oomph, but this candy bar is what I like to call sneaky awesome.

Frankly, it’s good enough to make me admit I might need to rethink this chocolate-covered everything holiday boycott I’ve had going on. Just don’t make me try anything peppermint flavored, because that’s one holiday food aversion I’m never going to give up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 80 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Gingerbread Twix Cookie Bars
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 10 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Actually tastes like a gingerbread cookie. Covered in real milk chocolate. And it works! Textural contrast. Gives the usual Twix flavor the kind of oomph that also makes reindeer fly and Santa fit down chimneys. No remorse or guilt for decapitating gingerbread people with one swift bite. Portion control.
Cons: Rethinking holiday food aversions. Buying Christmas candy before Halloween. No royal icing. Not getting to decapitate a gingerbread person in some misguided Godzilla-type fantasy.

REVIEW: Sprite Zero Cranberry

Sprite Zero CranberryAs one of those rare and socially mysterious individuals who abstains from alcohol for reasons completely unrelated to health, religion, finances, or even just a really overactive bladder, I readily acknowledge I’ve missed out on more than my share of, uh, experiences in life.  Some I don’t feel too badly about, but oftentimes I can’t help but feel a tinge of regret for having never had the chance to drive backwards through the drive-thru at McDonald’s, nor make-out with a mannequin in a department store window.

More than anything else, though, I miss having the pretentious but totally boss ability to pair foods with beer and wine, and then brag about it to everyone I know.

I’ve always suspected I would make a fine sommelier, what with my extensive background testing seasonal McDonald’s pies and limited edition Oreo flavors. In fact, I’ve often imagined myself amongst many a social gatherings, carrying on about how my drink selection perfectly matches the bold and intrepid flavors of whatever dish I’ve slaved over (or at the very least, the frozen pizza I just popped into the oven.)

Come to think of it, what makes alcohol so special that only it can be paired with foods? If you’re going to brag ad nauseam about how your bright, citrusy Chardonnay compliments the diverse selection at the Thanksgiving feast, you’d think those of us still relegated to the kids’ table could do the same with soda.

Sprite Zero Cranberry seems like it would be just that kind of soda. Forget the seasonality of cranberries at holiday parties, the bright, tart, and tangy flavors strikes me as the perfect relief for copious amounts of turkey and stuffing, with that lemony carbonation of Sprite Zero serving as just the stimulant to get those much needed second helping burps going.

Of course, Coca-Cola isn’t the only soda company to reckon just that, which is probably why Sierra Mist has been making a cranberry flavored lemon-line soda for a few years now, and why Canada Dry Cranberry Ginger Ale has been a staple on grocery store shelves each September through December.

Those sodas are good, but they do have flaws. Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash tastes too lime flavored if you ask me, while the cranberry taste gets a little too intense after a single glass. Cranberry is a great flavor and all, but there gets to be a point where it’s too much. Thankfully, Sprite Zero Cranberry doesn’t take it that far.

Sprite Zero Cranberry Label

Appearing identical to your standard glass of Sprite Zero, the essence of cranberry hits you as soon as the cap comes off. It’s a good essence though, and not the kind of essence that involves actually standing out in a cranberry bog with your grandfather. The first taste is floral and sharp, but it quickly gives way to the unmistakable taste of Sprite Zero. For a regular diet soda drinker like me, it’s a taste that comes across as neither overly artificial nor overly lemony (as many store-brand or lesser lemon-lime sodas seem to be.) Bolstering this quality is a distinctively cranberry finish, leaving an endearing, but not overpowering, fruit flavor.

Sprite Zero Cranberry with cranberries

It’s very good, and pairs wonderfully with a hearty turkey sandwich. The deficits are minor; the cranberry flavor could be bolder (like you’d find in a cranberry juice) and the soda could also convey some element of lip-puckering tartness. I mention that with some caution, however, as the attempts to replicate authentic fruit flavors in diet sodas often turn out maddeningly artificial. And maddeningly artificial gives me headaches, especially when it comes to having to endure an hour at the kids’ table while I attempt to instruct little Patrick that no, in fact, the turkey leg cannot be used as a weapon. In any case, those looking for an extra cranberry tartness should do as I did and dump dried cranberries into the fizz.

Sprite Zero Cranberry isn’t quite the fruit-filled cranberry hit that Sierra Mist Diet Cranberry Splash is, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Lighter, with that distinct Sprite bite that’s sandwiched between an enjoyable cranberry essence, it doesn’t become artificially cloying or saccharine as quickly, and yields instead to the similarly non-overpowering lemon-lime flavor of Sprite Zero.

Overall, I actually enjoyed it more than the potent Sierra Mist Diet Cranberry Splash, a fact which, among other things, will likely leave me with more pours and conversation to impress upon my nine-year old cousins at the Thanksgiving kids’ table. Whether or not it can save me from getting a turkey leg thrown at me is another question still yet to be determined.

(Nutrition Facts – 0 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Sprite Zero Cranberry
Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 2 liters
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Non-diet tasting diet soda. Cranberry taste is floral and slightly spicy, with a smooth, non-artificial finish. Doesn’t taste as saccharine or lime flavored as Diet Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash, and has a better carbonated bite. Equality in beverage and food pairings. Pairs well with turkey sandwiches.
Cons: Lacks over the top cranberry flavor and sweetness that cranberry sauce has. Not as tart as actual cranberry juice. May lead to excessive burping. Getting hit with a turkey leg at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie

Do you remember the great pumpkin shortage of 2011?

If not, lucky you. Here’s a brief history lesson: Hurricane Irene stifled the pumpkin crop that summer, and aside from leaving us with a dearth of pumpkin-flavored goodies, it also pretty much crippled society. Families cut ties when informed that there would be no pumpkin pie on the Thanksgiving dinner table; teenage girls broke up with their boyfriends en masse when they didn’t come back with Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes; and many a tree suffered unspeakable damage as rowdy 12-year-old kids with no pumpkins to smash took to TP’ing trees on Halloween.

Dark times, indeed.

Through it all, McDonald’s remained a beacon of hope for pumpkin lovers. For just a buck, I remember getting their warm and sweet baked pumpkin pie even when grocery stores were out of orange Libby’s cans. So if my local McDonald’s could sell pumpkin pie even amidst a worldwide shortage, why are some areas of the country instead selling sweet potato pies this fall?

After hitting up a half-dozen Baltimore-area McDonald’s I really have no idea why, but the good news for pumpkin lovers is that we probably shouldn’t care. I know sweet potato pie is something of a regular occurrence in the land of Dixie, but considering I’m about as southern as Winston Churchill, well, let’s just say it was a new and wonderful experience for me. To borrow a line from an Alabama song that hasn’t made sense until now, this is a pie that will make you shut your mouth.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Scored Top

It all starts with the crust. The outside of the pie looks exactly like the McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie, right down to the cinnamon dusted freckles and scored top. Like the pumpkin pie, the crust is an enjoyable upgrade over most cheap, prepackaged single-serving pies available in grocery stores. There’s enough sweetness and cinnamon flavor to convince you you’re not just eating layers of shortening and flour.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Creaminess

I was surprised the McDonald’s Sweet Potato Pie’s filling had a creamier texture than their pumpkin pie’s, although it doesn’t have a necessarily creamier taste. In fact, if I do have one complaint (okay, two complaints considering there are no pecans), it’s that the filling lacks the richness of cream and butter and the emulsified body of a baked custard. I worried about a stringy interior or fibrous texture, but the tubular center (hooray for vegetable puns!) was stuffed with a smooth and fully cooked purée that wasn’t excessively watery or diluted.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie Innards

Even though it has more grams of sugar than McDonald’s Pumpkin Pie, its sweetness is mellow and just right with a hint of molasses and some cinnamon and cloves that help to round out the filling. Dare I say it, but the sweetness discrepancy between the pumpkin pie and sweet potato pie is a testament to the sweet potato’s natural and more starchy flavor. In this application, it just works. And with much better interior filling coverage than a Pop-Tart, it doesn’t feel like you’re getting shortchanged with nothing but crust.

McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie isn’t my beloved pumpkin pie, but it’s more than an acceptable substitute. The crust is flaky with a wonderful cinnamon sweetness, while the filling has a smoother, even creamier texture than McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie. It’s so good that it might make you forget about driving around to look for their Baked Pumpkin Pie.

(Nutrition Facts – 270 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 6 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Baked Sweet Potato Pie
Purchased Price: 98 cents
Size: 2.7 oz.
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Flaky, slightly crunchy crust with tastes of cinnamon and sugar. Plenty of sweet potato filling with molasses-type sweetness. Creamy texture. Just a buck. A crapload of Vitamin A and fiber. Regional delicacies finally understood.
Cons: Lacks taste of cream and butter. Not a true custard filling. No pecans. More calories than McDonald’s Baked Pumpkin Pie. 1980s country music songs.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap

McDonald's Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap

In the year 49 B.C., Gaius Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon River with Legio XXX in the first dice throw of the Roman Civil War. During the next year and a half, he and his soldiers would march all over Italy, Spain, and Greece in pursuit of his rival, Pompey. It was an arduous campaign, but eventually Caesar and his legion won out, long credited by historians at having maintained their stamina through nothing more than anchovies pulled from the Rubicon, greens picked from the fields, and stale bread donated by sympathetic but frugal bakers throughout the continent. To this day, we commemorate these events with a salad in Caesar’s honor.

Okay, so that’s not exactly how the Caesar salad first went down, but it’s a lot more interesting than the crap I read on Wikipedia. I guess it’s fitting. The Caesar salad has never been the most compelling thing on the menu, especially at fast food restaurants. It’s that ubiquitous item that’s always just there, although nobody exactly knows why. Who knows? Maybe there’s some kind of law to make sure Italian flavors are given a spot on the menu board, but the point is that the Caesar salad has been in need of a makeover for a while now.

And just short of Stacy London and Clinton Kelly, who does the best makeovers? That’s right, Ronald McDonald himself.

McDonald's Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap Lightsaber Holder

You won’t find the Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap on the McDonald’s website, but the new flavor variation joins the Sweet Chili Chicken, Chicken and Bacon, and Chicken and Ranch Premium McWraps. Among other things, this means it comes in a convenient lightsaber-like receptacle, which may or may not interest you for Halloween costume purposes.

Anyways, the new McWrap apparently hasn’t gone nationwide yet, but I picked mine up in the Baltimore metro region. Encased in a tomato-basil wrap and featuring Caesar dressing and parmesan cheese shavings, it’s available with either grilled or crispy chicken and, of course, contains more varieties of greens than a Whole Foods salad bar.

McDonald's Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap Tomato Basil Wrap

The tomato-basil wrap really adds a nice touch that sets it above the other McWrap flavors. True, tomato-basil isn’t very traditional for a Caesar salad, but I have to think it’s still preferable to eating a stale, oversized crouton that’s been unnaturally contorted into a wrap. In any event, the wrap has a subtle and earthy sweetness about it, with an exceptionally moist texture that does a superb job of binding all the flavors together.

Actually, it does a little too good of a job binding ingredients together, with my one complaint being that the wrap has a tendency to get stuck on the roof of your mouth. I can imagine this being quite the more obnoxious if you also happen to be eating French fries, but thankfully a large soda helped my tongue lasso the sticky wrap chunks away from the roof of my mouth. Yes, I did just write, “sticky wrap chunks.”

McDonald's Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap Cheese Closeup

The interior of the wrap was for the most part enjoyable. A single tomato added some crunch and brightness, while I was able to pick up on the black pepper, garlic, and unmistakably umami undertones of the Caesar dressing. I also liked the sharp and pungent aftertaste of the parmesan cheese, which was slightly melted in the radiant heat of the chicken. No, this is not the authentically nutty and meaty-sweet Parmigiano-Reggiano that’s ideally grated over a Caesar salad like the winter’s first snow, but it’s a nice break from the proverbial strings of waxy cheddar cheese thrown into most fast food wraps.

Sounds like a real winner, right? Well, not quite. While good, the dressing and cheese just aren’t plentiful enough, and specifically they aren’t plentiful enough in proportion to the amount of foliage within the wrap. Speaking of foliage, the greens didn’t pack the crunch a usual Caesar salad gets from the interior leaves of romaine. Already down croutons, a more than token tomato was necessary for some textural contrast.

Another problem I experienced was that the flavors of the dressing and cheese failed to permeate the meat. So even though the chicken was juicy, it tasted of a generic grill flavor. Because of this, eating through the center portion of my wrap tasted too much of lettuce and slightly bland chicken.

Is the Caesar Chicken Premium McWrap the makeover that fast food Caesar salads have long needed? It’s a good start, but it’s not quite hitting it out of the park. While the new flavor wins with the tomato-basil wrap, the strength of its starring ingredients (the dressing and the parmesan cheese) don’t stand out enough and aren’t applied liberally enough to make up for several bland bites. Like the true story behind the Caesar salad’s origins, the McWrap’s taste isn’t as interesting as you’d really like it to be, and not quite befitting of the real Caesar.

(Nutrition Facts – 440 calories in the grilled version, according to the McDonald’s menu board. Full nutritional information unavailable.)

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Caesar Premium McWrap (Grilled)
Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Moist and yummy tomato-basil wrap. Juicy grilled chicken. Surprisingly sophisticated Caesar dressing. Not having to buy a lightsaber holder for my Halloween costume.
Cons: Revisionist history. Parmesan cheese lacks the sophistication of true Parmigiano-Reggiano. Chicken has a somewhat slimy coating. Not enough dressing in the interior of the wrap. Greens dilute overall taste.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut

Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut

If I were to brainstorm the myriad amount of ways in which an autumnal delicacy like pumpkin pie could be improved upon, I’m fairly certain deep-frying it would be at the top of the list.

Luckily, Dunkin’ Donuts is saving me from the prospect of attempting such an endeavor in the privacy, but not-completely-covered-by-insurance confines, of my own kitchen by introducing a new Pumpkin Pie Donut as part of their seasonal fall menu. Unlike the classic pumpkin cake donuts, which every grocery store in America features this time of year, the new Pumpkin Pie Donut features a “pumpkin pie flavored, buttercreme-filled yeast shell” that’s topped with white icing and graham cracker crumbles. And because it’s a donut, it is of course caressed by the loving embrace of hot fryer oil.

I tend to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of Dunkin’ Donuts products, although I’ve often found their donuts to be on the small side. This donut is no exception, although I suppose my arteries would appreciate not being subjected to an actual fried pumpkin pie, and instead getting off for a more “modest” 380 calorie donut. In any event, an initial bite of the edges of the donut leaves a lot to be desired; namely in the whole pumpkin pie department.

Perhaps my donut had the unfortunate luck of sitting around in the store for too long, or perhaps I tend to hold my yeast-raised donuts to higher than mass-produced standards, but the plain shell lacked the airy spring of a really good yeast donut, and tasted only of that characteristic dough and nutmeg aftertaste that’s present in most of Dunkin’s donuts.

But who are we kidding? Obviously there’s no reason just to nibble around the yeast shell, no more so than there’s reason to just nibble on the crust of an actual pumpkin pie. We bite into donuts and pies, and what’s the first thing most of us chomp through when it comes to actual pumpkin pie? The whipped cream, of course.

Dunkin’s white icing might share a similar color with the traditional and sweet accouterment to pie, but that’s about all they share. Cloyingly sweet and unnaturally hardened, the icing might work on a sugar cookie, but here the glycerol flavor overpowers and clashes with the doughy interior and buttercreme filling. The graham cracker crumbs were thankfully crunchy and plentiful, but they lacked a distinct cinnamon flavor and instead tasted too much like a boring old frozen pie crust.

Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut Inside

The only authentic pumpkin flavor comes from the buttercreme filling. While it’s filled with plenty of questionable ingredients that might not make their way into a traditional buttercream (nothing says homemade like Yellow 5 and Guar Gum!), the faux buttercreme has a delightful pumpkin flavor complete with all those sweet warming spices like cinnamon and ginger. The only problem is that the texture, which dissolves on the tongue like the way Cool Whip would do, is unfulfilling. Speaking of filling or lack thereof, my completely trigonometric challenged eyes estimated the creme only took up about a third of the volume within the shell. That’s like a pie that’s two-thirds crust and only a third filling!

Dunkin’ Donuts had a real opportunity to add to their pumpkin-flavored product line with this donut, but they screwed it up. Maybe they didn’t screw it up as bad as me trying to create a fried pumpkin pie by dropping a frozen Marie Callender’s pie into a Dutch oven of boiling shortening, but definitely to the point of making a donut not worth buying again.

(Nutrition Facts – 380 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

*Made with partially hydrogenated oil.

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Pie Donut
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Aesthetically pleasing. Authentic pumpkin flavor in the “buttercreme.” Only a dollar. Not having to attempt to fry a frozen pumpkin pie and burn my home down.
Cons: Cloying white icing that tastes like some chemical I can’t pronounce. Dense and tasteless shell. Graham cracker crumbles lack cinnamon flavor. Poor interior coverage of buttercreme filling. Attempting to apply mathematical concepts to donut fillings.

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