Little in this world appeals more to my suburban, middle-aged dad sense of adventure than a mystery food product. It’s a little like living on the edge, only if the edge is about as sharp as an end-cap at the Piggly Wiggly. Look, you can die on the track at a NASCAR Fantasy Camp weekend, or break a fibula playing pickup basketball, but the worst that can happen with a mystery product is that you end up out a few bucks if your Pop-Tart turns out to be century egg-flavored.
The problem with a mystery product, though, is that I don’t think I’ve ever gotten closure. Over the years, I’ve gulped many a strange Mountain Dew, and eaten mysterious cereals and snack cakes galore, and not once do I remember hearing later what the mystery flavor turned out to be. Where do they even announce these things? The Nightly News with David Muir? A special newspaper I’m not privy to, like The Gourmand Gazette?
In the case of Cap’n Crunch’s new Mystery Crunch, the thing is, I’m not sure I care enough to go back later and try to figure it out. It’s just… boring. The box has some clues, I guess, depicting the Cap’n on a fruit-filled island holding a scroll listing “Fruity? Coconut. Vanilla? Creamy” with “coconut” crossed out and “creamy” circled. Oh, and there’s a crab drinking a red beverage out of a glass bottle. (Is the flavor Crab Juice?! Hmm. Now I’m hungry for a stick of fresh Khlav Kalash.)
I will say, I tried the cereal before studying the box, and my thoughts went like this, in order:
It’s… plain Cap’n Crunch?
Oh, wait, there’s a weird, extra sweetness.
I think that’s coconut? Maybe?
Okay, it’s actually a little orange-ish. Orange-ish, but also still some coconut.
Therefore, for no reason other than the fact that I need to enter something to enter the sweepstakes using the QR code on the back—so I can win a Yeti, a chair, a speaker, or possibly an Airbnb gift card—I’m going to say that the mastery flavor is Boring Tropical Creamsicle. And then I’ll sit back and relax until April when… Lester Holt will tell me on the evening news? A proclamation will be made by the three wealthiest kings in Europe? Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll go to my grave never knowing what this damn flavor was.
Purchased Price: $4.97
Size: 22.1 oz box (Family Size)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Purchased at: Walmart
Nutrition Facts: (38 grams) 150 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.
My family likes Cap’n Crunch cereal, but I suspect this “Mystery Crunch” version will end up at Ollie’s within the next 6 months. (And I’ll probably buy a box at that point, if I haven’t seen it at a reasonable price elsewhere before then.)